Here I Am...

This has been my second post since my self-declared hiatus. As promised here I am trying to put my thoughts in writing once again. In fact, just recently I received a comment from Ate Neng at my friendster account saying that it’s ok to write and let your heart out. Which is absolutely true somehow; it eases whatever it is that you’re carrying inside like an excess baggage or something that you have been trying to let go of.

Today and the past week had been a super busy week for me. There’s a lot of stuff to do at the office. Btw, I am connected with Arab National Bank - Invest right now. This has been my last job after Ernst & Young. I left EY because of so many reasons I’d rather keep it to myself. But so far, I’m happy with where I am at right now. Hopefully I’d be able continuously work with good people at my current job. I’m not actually looking for stability or something; I just wanted to work and earn a living, that’s it.

It’s been a month and a half already since I started working with ANB-Invest. So far it has been a good month for me. The people I worked with had been seeing my potential already. My boss is more than ok. He’s the kind of boss where we secretaries would call as autocratic/democratic kind of boss. He let you do your thing at times and he commands most of the time. Well, he is the boss like he can do whatever he wants, and I totally respect that. I’m telling you, I’m gonna have a good working relationship with him.

This week, I created 3 presentations for the department. The last one I made was presented days ago for the CMA and so far the feedback was good. Honestly, I feel proud of myself because I didn’t realize I could actually make a presentation like that. Well, being the resourceful person that I am, I would easily find ways to make the presentation presentable. Although, there are some minor problems during the day of the presentation because of the many changes they made and we are running out of time. But it’s all good. The presentation went well. That is the most important thing, anyway.

Having said all of that, I really hope I’d be able to showcase what I’ve got in my whole stay with ANB-Invest. Wish me luck ppl!

So here I am once again!

XoXo,

B

I will survive, but what will be left of me?

It’s been a couple of months since I have last updated my blog. During the 2 months of my hiatus, there’s so much going on; much, that I have got no time to put it in writing. Perhaps some of you here still want to know or are still interested of what has been going on with my life right now. Or maybe, some of you might just say, WHO CARES? No one does! I believe by now, bloggers know what’s the real deal of having a blog. And that is to put your thoughts in writing, with or without readership. If you read, thank you. If you won’t, thank you. Comments are just a bonus that comes with it.

April 11, 2008, that's exactly the date on my last post and it felt like forever already. There are just so many things I had to take care of. I believe those things are very important things that I had to liberate myself from blogging and hopping and I’m absolutely sorry for that. Scenarios that are beyond my control; forces of nature that are uncontrollable, that I can do nothing about it. I am not saying bad things are coming in during the month of my hiatus although some of it keeps on coming. I just had to scratch my head, take it, and sucked it all up. Sometimes I would complain and ask why, as opposed to finding ways to straighten things up and just go with whatever’s gonna happen. Then again, I have this tendency of taking things lightly and just letting it be. One trait that I like about myself ever since, although I may have history of actually being so emotionally dramatic and overly sensitive. A lot of my friends have kind of like my witness to that. I got quite a lot of plack because of my many different behaviors. Talk about bipolar!

So, a lot has transpired during the month that I was away. But I don’t think it would be necessary for me to utter all of them here. What’s important is that I’m here now. I’m back for good. Expect a little more of me in the coming days.

I’d say thank you to all my blogger friends for patiently leaving comments at my chat box, to Jaleesa, Marikit, Ner, cebu dentist, Katie, and Thess. You guys rock! All your comments mean a lot to me.

XOXO,

B

Can't stop this thing i've started....

Once again I was being predictable today. If my life was a reality show, my audience would have been bored with my daily antics and they might just turn their screens off or maybe change channels. I guess I was just fortunate for not being born a celebrity of some sort or my career would have plummet into deep hollow nowhere to be found.

Well, I had it all plan like I could do whatever I want with my time. Like nobody cares at all. I was in control. Whatever happen I only have myself to blame.

Sometimes having two jobs just gets into my nerves. My main motivation right now has always been what I got to look forward every month-end, if you know what I mean. But other times I succumb to the idea of some friends telling me to just quit. Honestly, a them intervention is not what I needed right now but a good sleep, which is exactly what I did today while listening to this anti-stress music CD I bought months ago and it helps. If I may brag, I kinda look fresh today. Now I’m lol. But I apologize I’m not fond of posting pictures of myself nowadays. You know, bad hair days. Wait till I had my hair done.

As you may know I did not report for work today. As plan, I have done quite a lot of things productive. I have done personal stuff. I visited blogs of my friends which I have not done for weeks and I know some of you maybe mad at me and I’m sorry for that. Just don’t give up on me just yet, my friends. I won’t promise visiting your blogsite everyday because of the busy schedule I have. But I can assure you, I’m not gonna forget to give each of your site a visit if I can.

Nuff said….

On again, Off again...

There is something magical about taking a self-declared sabbatical. I just had to; coz in my case, there’s so much going on and all of it simultaneously. The whole time last week I was feeling quite stressed-out since it seemed that a few things were starting to go wrong for me. The news about my Aunt’s death, a bad news from a friend, I was not happy with work and some personal stuff to deal with. I was not in control on all of them to prevent it from happening. It’s God’s will.

Last Wednesday, I had the house all to myself. My roommates R and W were at work practically trying to impress their bosses, maybe. It is summer here in the ME and I must admit the idea of being alone in this oozing hot country was not a thrilling prospect. What’s it there to complain about since I’ve been leaving in the Kingdom for almost a decade now and I guess by now I got used to the hot weather already?

With all of that happening, I was beginning to entertain worst-case scenarios. As trivial as the inconvenience may seem, I was getting anxious about it. What if I couldn’t rise up to the occasion? How am I going to function? Here I was, trying to make things better with little knowledge on how to and I know this had to happen. With self-pity beginning to well up, I felt myself contracting somewhat. I was beginning to feel that I had enough reason to justify staying under my bed covers and feeling sorry for myself. But I reckoned that my choices actually boiled down to two: be miserable or learn to do something productive for the time being while I’m alone.

I guess life is like that. We all get kicked out of our comfort zones every so often and I might as well not resist it. I could either have a miserable time or I could seize this chance to discover new things, an intimate discovery of myself, the people around me and the place where I live, like my room for instance.

That very day, right there inside our room with all my might, I took pains to sweep and vacuum the floors, wipe the tables, arrange my closet, know what strange uncooked stuff resided inside the freezer and be smart enough to figure out other things to do. I also arranged the beds, threw the garbage in their proper bins, and a whole lot more. And during moments of rest, I learned to stop stiffening and contorting my body. Just then when I got a call from chin, sadly breaking out the bad news to me.

After a few minutes on the phone with chin, a moment of silence, cold and bleak overshadowed in me. It almost reminded me of that day when my sis blurted about Aunt Puring’s passing. I suggested and give chin the best advice I could possibly give and that there is hope for everything.

From there I learned to pay attention to other people’s thought and issues. Friends for me are like family, they have to be constantly cared for if necessary, like our physical bodies that need to be attended regularly.

In many ways, my simple task of taking care of myself, my friends and keeping our room tidy is a noble one. It is no less important than holding up the sky and making sure this humble abode remains comfortable and sturdy for my roommate’s eventual return that very day. All these simple things I did when I was alone amounted to the equivalent of death-defying acts! LOL..

The interconnectedness of things unravels before me and I actually witness its divine mission. From doing household chores to listening to chin’s feeling of pain at that moment. There is a rhythm to it all. Different angles of the scene being showed. It is an exciting and empowering experience to help other people alleviate their pains and learn to prepare for the very next battle I was about to face.

Last Wednesday was no ordinary day for me. I learned a lot of things like plunging into quiet aloneness can be rewarding and worthy of experience. I learned a lot about myself that day, my intimate self; a largely undiscovered territory of me which I never knew existed.

The next thing I know I was rushing up on my way to meeting up with chin.

My Aunt Puring...

For the first time yesterday I have got to hear the biggest shocker of my life ever. It didn’t occur to me at first. I didn’t even know how to react. For a moment there I was speechless. The next thing I know I was crying right outside the elevator of EY. I know I was crying for the pain of it all. I was sobbing like I never did before minding my own business. People who come in and out of the elevator might have notice, wondering what was going on with me.

I commend my sis neng from UK for her insurmountable courage to break out the bad news to me. I know it took her a whole lot of guts to tell me, like she always does for our family. I know how tough it was for her to do that.

Cancer of the breast took my Aunt away from us. The last time I saw her was in 2005. She was ok that time, she must have gone thru all the chemo and stuff, she was happy seeing me for the first time in 4 years. She gave me a big hug and I hug her back. She told me about her being sick along with the pain she has to go through. I never promise my Aunt Puring that I could take care of her, that I could be beside her in every treatment, every chemo and all. She understands that I had to be back to KSA in 3 months time. But the one thing that I promised her was my prayers that she’d be well sooner or later. That she’d be always in my mind no matter what.

The death of my Aunt Puring may have been the biggest shocker for me, but right now right at this very moment my heart tells me that she’s in a very good hands on her final resting place. But being the person that I just am, I couldn’t help but mourn of her death. I mourn for my Aunt Puring’s death in silence. People might have seen me looking ok, but deep inside me I am not ok.

I remember how much love my aunt had for me when I was a little kid. I used to be their baby even if I was already a grown up. I was like a son to them. But I was never a brat at all. My aunt thought me a lot of good things in life which up until today I still care about. She thought me to respect the elders no matter what. She’s a disciplinarian in her own right. She scolded me like her own son on every mistake I made and sometimes as a child I just couldn’t understand why.
Unknown to me then, she teaches us to face life’s challenges head on. “Face it and never run away from your worries.”

My Aunt Puring was a true fighter. I know that she courageously sought every treatment possible to beat the cancer for many years. I remember my Aunt as truly beautiful, fashionable, headstrong, generous and vocal.

To my Auntie Puring,

I may have lost you, but I have thought of a million things I should have said. I believe it’s not too late to tell you how important you are in my life, how much you meant to me, and how sorely you are missed. I don’t know how I am living up to your expectations, but I’m trying to be the strong person you have always taught me to be. I can only honor you by being the person and the Aunt you once were to all of us you have left behind. Life does go on for us here, but we will never forget you.

You have left this world for a better place where there is no more pain, but I know that you will always be with us in spirit. We will continue with our relationship on a whole new plane and, in time, we shall all be together again.

I LOVE YOU AUNTIE PURING, ALWAYS AND FOREVER….

From your newphew,

Bobot

Not ready for goodbye....

This week has probably been one of the most intoxicating week in the history of my existence. This whole time I have been thinking a lot like my brain’s gonna explode or will lead me to having a brain tumor for that matter. I have a feeling when I got to be a lot older more than my age right now, I’m gonna have that tumor that I would carry with me until the day I would die. That would probably be my biggest fear, but who knows really. But hey, I won’t be talking about who’s and who’s not gonna die in here too soon. HAHA!

The whole time of the week I was just clothed and populated with so much drama and a lot of people had been affected and probably disturbed by my craziness. I’ve been telling a close friend, I might have this manic depression or bipolar disorder disease with me for a while now. Have you ever felt like one day you’re having fun, your happy, celebrating life with friends who laugh at your corny jokes and then suddenly you changed mood and you got to be sad just out of nowhere? I guess that would be me. It’s like I could change mood in a snap, a very impulsive attitude that I have with me eversince.

The whole drama of the week did not rest easy on me. I was tired, an emotional kind of tired. And probably I’m ok by now. I wouldn’t be writing this if I’m not. And if I don’t write on this blog then two things might gonna happen. People would talk bad about me inaccurately and second I would become even more crazier. I think I’m a good person and all that matters is that I’m gonna be ok.

Perhaps, you might be wondering what would be the reason of all this brouhaha surrounding me all this week. I would give you two valid reasons, work and matters of the heart. Work? I can handle. Heart? Hmmm probably not. But it took me days to figure and sort things out. I just had to redeem myself afterall. I was even confiding and pouring out to my friend J, that I would probably be shaving my head this weekend so people would know that there really is something wrong with me. But unfortunately it took me this long to admit and realized that its not ok to do that, that it’s not ok to be sad all the time. A part of me would probably be ashamed if that would happen. A part of me? Like my brain? That part…

Well, I’ve had my bad experiences in relationships before for the sole reason that I did not wait for the right guy to come. I just followed my instinct and took the risk. Sure I did not wait any of it from happening because I wouldn’t be the strong person I am today if I haven’t experience those. But if I could just have waited, maybe it going to be a much sweeter experienced. But I have no regrets. I’ll stick to my decision that after all this time, I’d like to shout it out that I’m not ready for goodbye, not just yet. I’d probably just be thinking of the good side of all this. That in the end things would look a lot like I’m heaven on earth even if it had to come a little pain in my heart. The good part is what he reiterated to me yesterday that what I have felt for him is normal and everyone had probably experienced what I have experienced. That was such a relief especially coming from him.

Anyway, so much of that, I have done my research on bipolar disorder just to keep me reminded all the time and you might as well made use of this.

Bipolar disorder is not a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood, clinically referred to as mania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes which present with features of both mania and depression. These episodes are normally separated by periods of normal mood, but in some patients, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II and cyclothymia based on the type and severity of mood episodes experienced.

Also called bipolar affective disorder until recently, the current name is of fairly recent origin and refers to the cycling between high and low episodes; it has replaced the older term manic-depressive illness coined by Emil Kraepelin (1856-1926) in the late nineteenth century. The new term is designed to be neutral, to avoid the stigma in the non-mental health community that comes from conflating "manic" and "depression."

Onset of symptoms generally occurs in young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the person's self-reported experiences, as well as observed behavior. Episodes of illness are associated with distress and disruption, and a relatively high risk of suicide. Studies suggest that geneics, early environment, neurobiology, and psychological and social processes are important contributory factors. Psychiatric research is focused on the role of neurobiology, but a clear organic cause has not been found. Bipolar disorder is usually treated with medications and/or therapy or counseling. The mainstay of medication are a number of drugs termed mood stabilizers, in particular lithium and sodium valproate; these are a group of unrelated medications used to prevent relapses of further episodes. Antipsychotic medications, sometimes called neuroleptics, in particular olanzapine, are used in the treatment of manic episodes and in maintenance. The benefits of using antidepressants in depressive episodes is unclear. In serious cases where there is risk to self and others involuntary hospitalization may be necessary; these generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behaviour or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation. Hospital stays are less frequent and for shorter periods than they were in previous years.

Some studies have suggested a significant correlation between creativity and bipolar disorder. However, the relationship between the disorder and creativity is still very unclear. One study indicated increased striving for, and sometimes attaining, goals and achievements. While the disorder affects people differently, individuals with bipolar disorder tend to be much more outgoing and daring than individuals without bipolar disorder. The disorder is also found in a large number of people involved in the arts. It is an ongoing study as to why many creative geniuss had bipolar disorder.

GUESS WHAT, I’M NO GENIUS. Now I’m LOL.

Our very own REYNA ELENA....

Nothing last forever, there goes the old familiar saying. There always come a time when you know you have to say goodbye and I’ve reached that point again. I was actually talking about my friend Rommel.

As I write this, he might be all set, geared up and had packed his things and ready to go.

A few weeks ago I promise Rommel that I would write about him and feature him here at my blog like I always do to my other friends who leave or not. I’ve been contemplating about what to say, in a positive way. It’s not that I’ve been running out of words but because of the many things I wanted to write about him.

Rommel and I have been friends for almost six years now. He is one of my oldest friends here in Riyadh. I always knew from the start, the moment I met him that we would become good friends to some degree.

Rommel for me is well, Rommel. I remember one time on our way to the EP forever years ago. We would hitch in this 10-wheeler truck in the middle of the desert with a stranger who drives us four hours way through to the EP. It was an adventure. We arrived to the place safe and sound though.

One of the many things I liked ‘bout Rommel is, he’s being adventurous and outgoing, it weird’s me out sometimes. Our adventure to the EP is just one of the many crazy memorable things we have shared over the years.

Rommel has come a long way since he first arrived in the Kingdom. He accomplished a lot of things. He came up with the idea and put up the now successful QIL for one. The now inactive LAPEMTS. He has become a member and an officer of the Mabuhay Toastmasters Club for years. He has recently been teaching IT at COMSOFIL and I had the chance to sit-in at one of his class one time. Though he was nervous at first but he came out very good at it.

The leadership quality of Rommel continues while serving as an officer of RAGI whom I was a member too. Not to mention he’s a good dancer and an efficient public speaker. And the list goes on and on…. There are just some people who are meant to stand out. Rommel is one of them. That’s the thing with him, he never felt he needed to prove to people that he was good. He is comfortable with the fact that he is. For him, it came naturally.

You might think Rommel is perfect but he’s not. I’ve witnessed his imperfections esp. when his inlove and I too can relate to him sometimes. It felt like Rommel and I had something in common in so many ways.

Rommel’s life has always been a roller coaster. There is nothing that exhilarates him more than his family back in the Philippines. I mean, his father passed away a couple of years ago, but he showed how strong he was as a person. I held his hand when his father died and he held mine when I cried because of love. He’s family is all that’s he’s ever got aside from us.

Nothing seemed to bother Rommel, much to his surprise, even. He came out of this knowing how strong he really was. These are things we can only hope for and that we ourselves will realize in our own time.

So it’s hard for me to see Rommel go.

Personally, I've never been very good at good-byes. I see someone walking into the boarding area at the airport, or getting into a bus or a car and there's something sad about it. Saying good-bye to someone like Rommel whom I've gotten to know for years is daunting to say the least. It feels as though a family is losing an important member. Those who thought they were alone with their problems discovered they had people to share them with.

My love goes out to you, Miss Reyna Elena and best wishes for the future.

Here it goes, just as I promise you a special feature at my blog. I guess you wouldn’t be called Reyna Elena for no reason at all.

Long live the queen, choz!

Too little too late...

Weekend in the ME is over. Today is Saturday which means I’m back at work. I know this week is going to be tough for me again coz of the many many things I had to deal with. For one, my gut feeling is telling me to quit working and give up my job. Easy for me to say coz I had my agency to look after me and they could just find another job in another company.

After a year of simply putting up with the demands of the department where I work with right now finally I realized I had enough. In fact last week I’ve been doing crazy things at the office like coming late, doing sub-standard work, reading newspaper at my desk while having coffee, self-declared off and absences, going home early than the normal time which is 6PM, putting off a lot of things, etc etc. which I think they must have notice but didn’t give a shit. Aside from that, I was very vocal in telling them that if they don’t like me then they could just fire me anytime. I’m confident in telling this to some of them coz I know there’s something waiting for me. A better work, nice people and the timing is just perfect. Some of them totally understand where all this complains and whining came from. I’m just hoping my antics will paid off, but from the look of it, it won’t happen just yet.

So much of that, another interesting and unexpected turn-out of event that happen to me last weekend. I had to transfer room. It was never a plan at all but it happened. Prior to my transfer there’s a buzz going on ‘bout the transfer of some of my fellow housemates but I wasn’t really into it. I was like who cares. They could transfer all they want but I’m gonna stick my butt at my old room. Then rl went on to say if I like to transfer in there room other than this new guy who is supposed to transfer in their room. My first reaction, I said whatever and then after a few seconds of thinking, out of nowhere I said yes. Hahahah. I know deep down inside me wants to and I know there’s gonna be some of them won’t and it’s actually obvious to some of their faces. But who cares. I think I’m gonna be happy with my new roommates now. I’m hoping they won’t show their true colors along the way. Gosshhh after all that I have gone thru, the transfer was a bit exhausting and time consuming. Rl was nice enough to ask me the next day how was my first night…hahaha! Does he have to? Grrr…made me shiver!

Anyway, don’t you think the transfer was too little too late. I should have done it before!

Rollercoaster...

The past week had been a struggle for me personally. I felt like I was in a rollercoaster ride once again trying to unravel everything worthy unraveling about. But in the end, it’s all good, it’s all good. I was just amaze at how I was able to ironed things out. Every single thing. There’s just so many people to thank about. Friends who’s always up there to rescue me all the time. Friends who just never give up on me. Not yet I guess. How could I ever thank them? I know there are a lot of ways how. Countless ways to say thank you and that is exactly what I should do.

It reminded me that we should always try to spend quality moments with friends. I’ve been away from my family for so long that I consider my friends as my family whether they like it or not.

Obviously, as we get older it becomes harder to make time with our work schedules but it’s important to always put in a few minutes with them. Even if it’s just a cup of coffee for 10 minutes in the morning before you begin your day. Or maybe watch American Idol together. Sounds really fun!

It may not seem like much but I believe that those are the moments we all hold on to when we all have to be on our separate ways soon (drama). It’s the five minutes you spent with them laughing over a joke or even the half hour when you held their hand while they cried or when I cried ( tnx M). Memories, both the good and the bad, are all will be left of us and we should all have as many of them as possible.

These last few months have been amazing for me on that account, because I’ve been able to spend time with all of those who truly matter to me. I’ve go to spend time with friends and I always get my 20-minute (at least) catch-up time with them over the week or a lunch or two on Thursdays and Fridays, and if not, then definitely a cup of coffee every morning. It’s really nice to have these times to look forward to in my week. It’s surreal, it’s amazing. My friend Jaleesa should know…hahaha!

I’ve had my own little brush with the ever-turning circle of life this week. And I have to say I am humbled and awed by the thought of how all-encompassing it is. It’s amazing to think that this happens every single day. As simple a conclusion as it may be, it makes me appreciate my own life and every single day I have to live it.

Britney and her fans. A complicated Relationship....

brit now....blackout era

brit then...In the Zone era

For the past weeks I have been hearing multiple 'fans' saying: Britney is fat, Britney is pregnant, Britney is ugly, Britney needs blonde hair etc. And you can block out the first 'fan' saying it, and the 2nd but at the 3rd one you start to wonder: Is this normal? Are these people allowed to call themself fans? In my opinion I say: NO.

Being a fan is like a marriage. You choose to be a fan of one person and with that you accept the good but you also need to accept those bad things. You need to be there for them and support them when they're down. You can't just stop being a fan when the person is going thru a rough pattern for a while. Would you be happy if you were down, hospitalized, lost custody of your children and on top of that having a 'fan' calling you fat?

Fans do not kick you down, fans do not want you to get an eating disorder or whatever. In the end Britney is the boss of her own life. The Britney from 2002 does no longer exist. A person grows, gets mature and experiences things in his life. No one can stay the same they were, no one.

And on a final note: Who are we to judge? We arent perfect! We're also humans, and we make mistakes too and so does Britney. So why don't you judge yourself first and then Britney.