Not ready for goodbye....

This week has probably been one of the most intoxicating week in the history of my existence. This whole time I have been thinking a lot like my brain’s gonna explode or will lead me to having a brain tumor for that matter. I have a feeling when I got to be a lot older more than my age right now, I’m gonna have that tumor that I would carry with me until the day I would die. That would probably be my biggest fear, but who knows really. But hey, I won’t be talking about who’s and who’s not gonna die in here too soon. HAHA!

The whole time of the week I was just clothed and populated with so much drama and a lot of people had been affected and probably disturbed by my craziness. I’ve been telling a close friend, I might have this manic depression or bipolar disorder disease with me for a while now. Have you ever felt like one day you’re having fun, your happy, celebrating life with friends who laugh at your corny jokes and then suddenly you changed mood and you got to be sad just out of nowhere? I guess that would be me. It’s like I could change mood in a snap, a very impulsive attitude that I have with me eversince.

The whole drama of the week did not rest easy on me. I was tired, an emotional kind of tired. And probably I’m ok by now. I wouldn’t be writing this if I’m not. And if I don’t write on this blog then two things might gonna happen. People would talk bad about me inaccurately and second I would become even more crazier. I think I’m a good person and all that matters is that I’m gonna be ok.

Perhaps, you might be wondering what would be the reason of all this brouhaha surrounding me all this week. I would give you two valid reasons, work and matters of the heart. Work? I can handle. Heart? Hmmm probably not. But it took me days to figure and sort things out. I just had to redeem myself afterall. I was even confiding and pouring out to my friend J, that I would probably be shaving my head this weekend so people would know that there really is something wrong with me. But unfortunately it took me this long to admit and realized that its not ok to do that, that it’s not ok to be sad all the time. A part of me would probably be ashamed if that would happen. A part of me? Like my brain? That part…

Well, I’ve had my bad experiences in relationships before for the sole reason that I did not wait for the right guy to come. I just followed my instinct and took the risk. Sure I did not wait any of it from happening because I wouldn’t be the strong person I am today if I haven’t experience those. But if I could just have waited, maybe it going to be a much sweeter experienced. But I have no regrets. I’ll stick to my decision that after all this time, I’d like to shout it out that I’m not ready for goodbye, not just yet. I’d probably just be thinking of the good side of all this. That in the end things would look a lot like I’m heaven on earth even if it had to come a little pain in my heart. The good part is what he reiterated to me yesterday that what I have felt for him is normal and everyone had probably experienced what I have experienced. That was such a relief especially coming from him.

Anyway, so much of that, I have done my research on bipolar disorder just to keep me reminded all the time and you might as well made use of this.

Bipolar disorder is not a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood, clinically referred to as mania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes which present with features of both mania and depression. These episodes are normally separated by periods of normal mood, but in some patients, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II and cyclothymia based on the type and severity of mood episodes experienced.

Also called bipolar affective disorder until recently, the current name is of fairly recent origin and refers to the cycling between high and low episodes; it has replaced the older term manic-depressive illness coined by Emil Kraepelin (1856-1926) in the late nineteenth century. The new term is designed to be neutral, to avoid the stigma in the non-mental health community that comes from conflating "manic" and "depression."

Onset of symptoms generally occurs in young adulthood. Diagnosis is based on the person's self-reported experiences, as well as observed behavior. Episodes of illness are associated with distress and disruption, and a relatively high risk of suicide. Studies suggest that geneics, early environment, neurobiology, and psychological and social processes are important contributory factors. Psychiatric research is focused on the role of neurobiology, but a clear organic cause has not been found. Bipolar disorder is usually treated with medications and/or therapy or counseling. The mainstay of medication are a number of drugs termed mood stabilizers, in particular lithium and sodium valproate; these are a group of unrelated medications used to prevent relapses of further episodes. Antipsychotic medications, sometimes called neuroleptics, in particular olanzapine, are used in the treatment of manic episodes and in maintenance. The benefits of using antidepressants in depressive episodes is unclear. In serious cases where there is risk to self and others involuntary hospitalization may be necessary; these generally involve severe manic episodes with dangerous behaviour or depressive episodes with suicidal ideation. Hospital stays are less frequent and for shorter periods than they were in previous years.

Some studies have suggested a significant correlation between creativity and bipolar disorder. However, the relationship between the disorder and creativity is still very unclear. One study indicated increased striving for, and sometimes attaining, goals and achievements. While the disorder affects people differently, individuals with bipolar disorder tend to be much more outgoing and daring than individuals without bipolar disorder. The disorder is also found in a large number of people involved in the arts. It is an ongoing study as to why many creative geniuss had bipolar disorder.

GUESS WHAT, I’M NO GENIUS. Now I’m LOL.