Boredom, Britney & Me

The Unsmiling Tsarevna
Brit clad in a school uniform in the video

for "Baby one more time"

this one's the latest

Why do people get bored? And how do they get away from it? Therapy? Counseling?

These are just some of the few questions which puzzled me out all the time.

A few months ago we heard news about Britney Spears- one of the biggest well known pop stars in the world, being held in rehabilitation/treatment facility called PROMISES to detoxify herself. B having all the luxury in the world and the people around her who’s always there to protect her, has suffered such an emotional breakdown? It may seem hard to know or impossible to understand. I would never think that boredom would be the main reason of her breakdown. A lot of factors are to be considered. She may be rich, but she’s not happy, she may have a husband but they’re on a divorce process. The only consolation B has right now is having two 2 beautiful angels, which obviously she loves dearly.

Boredom might be or partly plays a role in this stage of her life right now, boredom which actually leads her to hitting rock bottom.

Anyway, speaking about Britney Spears, my relationship with her goes back almost seven years to the first time I ever heard "Baby One More Time." I did not fit the target demographic for that song, why? Coz I think I was too old for the song. But I was drawn to it, like I was to many great pop songs because it stuck like cooked pasta to the inside of my brain and followed me everywhere. I hummed it almost every morning preparing myself for work and would often walk in the exact dance steps from the video. I guess it was my LSS back then, but I had totally no idea what LSS was about that time yet.

I always thought Britney was better than her pop contemporaries, and not because she was good at singing. She was good enough at singing, but she was so much better at everything else involved in the package. She could dance and move around an entire crowd of dancers in a way that made it seem as if no one else was on stage. And even then it wasn't because she was the best dancer. It was the shape of her body, the way she snapped her head, the symmetry between the glare in her eyes and the pout in her lips. She made it seem effortless, that being young and beautiful was what she was born to do and would continue to do for the rest of her life.

If you talked to any of my co-teachers during those years they would have told you that when I wasn't napping underneath my desk I was reciting Britney Spears, and that I did both remarkably well.

My only wish for her right now is to make a music comeback as big as she was years ago.

However, what really triggered me to write about boredom was me and my state of sanity in question by none other than MYSELF alone, not Britney or anyone else. I felt like I’m Vincent Van Gogh who had this bipolar disorder or what they call manic depression. They say it runs in the family but in my case not. I got to have these different kinds of emotions or mixed state. Sometimes I feel like I’m in heavens, but most of the time I couldn’t even describe how I truly feel. One minute I’m happy then one minute I’m sad. It confuses me.

My concerns right now are the things that I am experiencing and had to go through. i.e the rapid change of emotion; melancholic & ecstatic feeling all combined, the physical changes that I have noticed in me and my friends, the sleepless nights, the meals I had skip, my being a loner? etc.etc.

What do these things all mean? Whether this is going to be good or bad, somewhere along the way I have to find it for myself! Maybe to some of you who are reading this would be obvious but for me it’s unclear. I’d hope that someday somehow I’d puzzle it out the soonest.

These all leads to a conclusion that no matter who you are, what you are and which position you have in this world, whether you’re a popular rockstar and the smallest person in this world, when depression or boredom hits you, it will hit you real hard and that you have to prepare yourself all the time.

Therapy? Counselling? anyone???

Insomnia Insomniac

Restless, disturbed, tossing and turning, impatient, middle of the night awakenings, black circles around the eyes, etc, etc. These are just some of the few signs visible in a person experiencing insomnia.

Evidently, people who suffer insomnia are insomniac. Scientifically speaking, insomnia as define is characterized by an inability to sleep and/or inability to remain asleep for a reasonable period. It is often caused by fear, stress anxiety, medications, herbs, caffeine & depression. An overactive mind or physical pain may also be causes or too much chatting on the net until wee hours in the morning, this would count too…hehe!

Moreover, insomnia has been talked about, written in a song by popular bands like greenday’s fourth album, Enrique Iglesias eight album and some known song writers, in a book written by Stephen King no less & in a mainstream movie; insomnia in popular culture that is.

Partly, I would consider myself half insomniac, as I can relate myself lately to the definition above, i.e. caused by fear; I fear to a lot of things, losing somebody particularly losing the ones you love, family, friends, or pet maybe (knock on the wood), stress anxiety; me being a workaholic, having two jobs all at the same time, its like taking away all your energy all throughout, medications; I do drink my vits everyday, herbs; I don’t do herbs, caffeine; I love my coffee every morning and a stick of cigarette on one hand, oh that’s keeps me going & feeling the nicotine running through my body, and it follows through till in the afternoon and night, coffee and more coffee to even going to starbucks almost every weekend with friends, depression; I admit I’ve been depressed thinking about my life and what have I done with it lately, you know the feeling of having to not take care of yourself anymore. I’ve been bored quite a few times, homesick, and the worst part, I would wake up in the middle of the night crying myself out loud and then I realize it’s just a bad dream, almost a reality.

Sooooo, what’s the deal with all this insomniacs, half insomniac like me? What do they do to cure themselves, to cure us?

Well, I have done my research with high hopes that things would be as effective as they say it could be and like religiously apply it to myself.

Some traditional remedies for insomnia have included drinking warm milk before bedtime, taking a warm bath in the evening; exercising vigorously for half an hour in the afternoon, eating a large lunch and then having only a light evening meal at least three hours before bed, avoiding mentally stimulating activities in the evening hours, and making sure to get up early in the morning and to retire to bed at a reasonable hour.

Whether all these maybe effective or not, I always believe it would, that it will lead me to a deeper more restful sleep and not deprive myself of sleep anymore.

No more flutab, no more panadol night or any other medicine or sleeping pills just to make myself fall asleep and then;

Snore my way to sleep!!!(Sorry roommates)….

P.S. I have decided to post about insomnia coz 2 days in a row na akong puyat. So I have done my research extensively today and this is what I’ve got so far. Hope this helps!

The show must go on (review on Ragi Independence Show '07)

Production Number
Production Number

It was days ago since I posted about a topic on how I liked dancing a lot and how it made such an impact on me up until today. So, what I’d be tackling right now is about how the RAGI Independence day show did go last June 15 (better late than never), some bits and pieces, highlights, adding some humor as I go on and a few feedbacks from friends who was there to witness the entire show.

(June 14, 2007, Thursday) – Technical Rehearsal
Prior to the show we had our technical rehearsal at Liwasang Bonifacio inside the Phil embassy here in riyadh. When you say tech rehearsal it usually focuses on the technological aspects of each of the participant’s performance as well as testing out all the equipments being used for the show i.e. lighting, sounds, special effects if there’s any, etc.etc., to prevent and foresee some possible glitches during the actual show and a run-through of the entire production.

Call time was 4pm. As usual, I was one of the late comers, I admit. That includes QA & QJ. Almost everyone was there when we arrived. It was like they were all in high spirits, chitchatting, while others are smoking like a chimney that includes me. Some are exchanging hi’s & hello’s while waiting instructions from the floor director and choreographers.

After an hour of waiting, finally one of the choreographers requested us to ready ourselves and do the warm-ups and some stretching like we normally do in every rehearsal. Stretched and hype-up as we are;

Then it’s time for the run-through of the entire program.

However as we move on, tension build, temper flares, choreographers looses their cool while lecturing us, as we go on performing our routines for the production number. Some of the dancers just couldn’t synchronize going in and out the stage for their turn. We trip, we fall, we stink. We were like reworking the steps over and over again, jazzing it up, wondering what to do, trying to at least level-up with the other group of dancers as we catch our breath with exhaustion. For a minute there I’d thought what we needed was divine intervention and so I’d pray. We were really in a tough situation. I’d figure out proper timing is everything, that would be the secret.

We ended up doing a very short run-through that night with a limited time. Everyone was scared and wondering what would happen the following day during the actual show.

(June 15, 2007, Friday) – The moment of truth
During the actual show at the embassy, nervousness overtakes me as soon as I step up just outside the chancery hall when I saw quite a lot of people. I went directly at the backstage to see what was going on.

Guess what?

Glitz and glamour. That’s the two adjectives that comes first in my mind the moment I saw all of my co-performers. U could feel the vibe. And what a transformation to the female dancers with the costumes they wear and the oh-so-heavy make up tastefully put-on by chin2. I was amazed. Make-ups can really do wonders. Mac, avon, maybelene, etc.etc. I’d like to commend chinchin for that, I was truly fascinated.

Our president mother r., never looses her good taste when it comes to gowns and what outfit to wear during occasions like that. She was stunningly beautiful as the host that night, with a nice gown which complimented her skin tone that would make every man drool in a good way. And the casual dress she wears during the finale, it was such a head-turner, as if it was created by Monique Lhuillier.

Moving on, here are some of the highlights of the show;

The heart-warming interpretative dance rendition of jun and tess about love, infidelity, unfaithfulness & betrayal. The choreography was stunningly intricate, showing off their artistic expression. You could really feel the music in a perfect pairing that is all romance. I give credit to jun at his ability to dance from hiphop to jazz. I was totally blown away by their performance as usual.

The fancy footwork of the male dancer’s esp. during the evolution of dance segment made the audience stick to their seats. The goofiness of orland ala Vong Navarro adds flavor to the segment.

The singing was good enough in my opinion. It was complimented by elegant & stunning outfits, to boot. The singers showcasing there abilities to belt.-out was impressive.

The production number was such an impact & the novelty dance segment somehow boosted to the somewhat slow and sappy face of the entire show. With chinchin in it, it was smashingly lively, it makes you wanna jump off your feet and dance.

Though the show had some minor glitches on the performances in every segment and the sound system. We manage to end the show successfully.

Overall, the show was a crowd-pleaser. The audience was satisfied obviously as they shout and giggled while watching and based on feedbacks from friends both positive and negative.

Congratulations to calabarzon, ragi and all the performers.

P.S. My review of the show maybe late, but I guess it’s worth the post!

Happy 18th birthday - 20 yrs. after

MJ, the debutante
Party, pARTY
a pose with the debutante MJ

Since I had nothing much to do at the office right now. Than just sit still for eight hours doing nothing, so I have decided to just write about how I spent my weekend.

There are days that I just want to write and write and write and I guess this is one of those days. No more writers block, no writing rituals or am I just inspired? Perhaps this is my way of telling and reminding myself how important it is somehow to write the things that I cannot say and perhaps in a much deeper and sincere way of saying it. Like my friend Mike used to tell me, he writes what he cannot say. So that makes the two of us! But I’d say this is more of a blog or an online journal.

Moving on, it’s been an amazing weekends I just had. This has been the second consecutive weekend of July that I had to spend it with a blast. First, a birthday celebration of the two of my dearest friends and a couple of Thursdays ago, a birthday celebration yet again of MJ a long time friend of mine.

The part that I liked most at the party was the 18 candles debut-like ceremony. It’s like 38 going on 18, back-to-future kind of thing. There must have been an explanation for that. 18 candles was distributed to friends who are closes to MJ and guess what? I was one of those lucky ones as well wishers. The embarrassing part was that we had to speak and say something from heart for the debutante/celebrator. I know for a fact, that I am not really good at speeches. In fact, I’ve been telling them I’d rather write than speak in front. Oh God, my toastmaster’s days are sooo over. As expected, I had nothing much to say to MJ but the usual greetings and wishes to someone who just celebrated their birthday. Quite embarrassing, isn’t it? But who really cares. We were all there to enjoy the moment, not to critique ourselves at how we suck.

I have to say I enjoyed the bash as much as I enjoyed RL’s and QJ’s bday bash. I have witnessed yet again how creative and talented my friends really are, helping with the décor and the food prep. It was colorful, fun-filled and exciting celebration that is. It was a great culinary treat from MJ. Everyone somehow had a rollicking good time. MJ has definitely thrown a party as fabulous as the one I had attended weeks ago.

The sad part was that I had to leave early and exit as gracefully as I could that night. I wanted to witness what’s going to happen next after the 18 candles. I’ve heard about the 18 bananas as well, the games and the surprise show that my effeminate friends had prepare for the celebrator. But I just couldn’t, I had to attend a get-together at one of the American compounds here, from a friend’s invitation that I could not refuse. I had to be there. No matter how and what my heart says that I have to stay, I just couldn’t do that. I have committed myself to something and I don’t want to break that. Besides, it’s all fair now, I showed up at both occasion.

I never would have cared too much about the time; at how late it really was, as long as I’d be there. I’m used to sleeping late even during weekdays, anyway, though I myself had been a long time devotee of late night partying as well as late night film-viewing. I could party for hours as long as I had the next day reserved for me just to recuperate. I just made a habit to set aside the whole day for sleeping. The moment I’d wake up I have this clear mind – and a clear conscience, all energized to do personal things i.e. keeping my bed tidy, do the ironing, etc. etc.

So how was your weekends of july? I just hope u had a blast too…….

P.S. to MJ, I surely had a blast at your bday bash. You never cease to awaken the party- animal side of us. Happy 18th birthday 20 years after!!!!

My happy or unhappy ending?

There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up.

I always believe that everything in this world has its limits. No matter how good or how bad the situation might be, it will always come to an end. The bittersweet challenges, the infernal & biting realities of human life.

It was September of last year that I got a call from a friend telling me about this job that was being offered to him. The reason why he called me was that he declined the offer and he wanted to give it to me. I was ecstatic upon hearing about the good news. I waited for years for opportunities to come like this. Without second thought, I wholeheartedly accept the offer, though I’m only second choice. It was like a chance for me in all aspect. First, I had all the time in the world for the job. Second, I am financially constraint that time. Third, I wanted to try having two jobs at a time.

I’ve heard a lot from my friends how difficult and how demanding it was for them to have two jobs. And the rewards they get afterwards. I wanted to experience all that for myself.

All my life I’ve been easy-go-lucky. I never put so much pressure in everything that I do. It was because I was young then. When you’re younger you tend to take things for granted. And that is exactly what I was back then. I was more about the thrills and the adrenalin rushes. I never really cared about the future. I always have this principle in life; to live life one day as it comes. I stick to that principle for so long.

This second job of mine made a whole lot of difference in every situation in my life, good or bad. Financially I was more blessed than I was before. At least I never had the hard time finding solutions if I needed money. I always come up with something and get away easily. But in every glory comes the corresponding negative side of it. Just like everything was put to balance. Physically I was exhausted. I lost 10lbs. I felt like my body was deteriorating. For months I don’t remember having a good night sleep. I always had lack of sleep. I would collapse myself to bed of exhaustion.

The pressure from my job and my other job goes hand in hand. I had to juggle myself from here to there that sometimes I forgot which one to prioritize. I felt like I have lost my direction and purpose. I missed out on a lot of things. My social life has suffered. I never had the time for my friends that much anymore. It’s really tough.

The month of April has been a roller-coaster ride for me. There are a lot of things going on. A lot of things I have experienced and have yet to experience. I had to stay late at work, my working hours was extended for another two hours that sometimes I could not make it at my other job. With this, I would receive not-so-good-to-hear comments from my second job, over and over again, until they would stop and just leave things the way I do, whatever it is that I’m doing. For as long as I would do my job as instructed way back when I first started with them.

On the contrary, they would appreciate at what I do; they would praise me with my good performance, that somehow boosted my morale and it gives me the opportunity to do my job really well. It’s just that time was not always on my side, I had to admit that.

I would fear that I would loose both my job in the process. I was too scared, or maybe just too self-conscious, to really stand for the decision I had made when I first accepted the job. I was too cynical and too negative about what my colleagues at my other job had to say about me, that sometimes I wanted to give up and like quit and like told myself this is the part of dimming off the light.

Six months I thought was enough for me. It’s like the end of the line. I have fulfilled my purpose; I have experienced what I wanted to experience. I have helped the people close to me and in my heart and I’m happy about that.

Right now at this very moment, I am enjoying myself, maybe because I am already used to these two jobs of mine, I really am. Although many times I feel like quitting but I always believe it is just a matter of how to balance your life.

Nevertheless, now I could do whatever I want to do. I could do the things that I have been doing six months ago i.e. I missed my bed, I missed my late night film-viewing, I missed browsing the internet until wee hours in the morning. I missed my music. I missed my huge collection of US TV series and divx movies. I missed my friends. I missed my family. I missed myself above all. At least I still have the time to do some of this during weekends.

And this newfound joy and liberation, ironic as it seems, is the gift that comes with good decision. I truly hope that one day I won’t regret with the decision, the path and the choice that I made, and that is to stay.

PS. I thank my friend rommel for introducing me to UC.

WHAT'S YOUR LSS???

Have you ever heard of LSS or what they call Last Song Syndrome? Perhaps, the words maybe unfamiliar to some of you. LSS are like songs that keeps playing in your head, over and over again.

I have been experiencing LSS these past few days.

Unconsciously I have been humming this Kris Lawrence song, called “When I see you smile”, out of nowhere, like in my room, at the office, in the bathroom while you know, anywhere for that matter. It’s like I’ve been obsessed to it lately. The song is about being in love and finding the one person that makes u really smile no matter what. Just by looking at him smile at you, it’s like the world stops for a moment.

Anyway, I came across at this one article on the internet about LSS out of curiosity. I discovered that I am not the only person who’s experiencing the LSS, like I do. Quite a lot of people actually. They have been curious either about what’s LSS really all about.

Then, I realized that I have quite a few LSS..hahaha! Almost all of my last song syndromes are like songs about love and pain. I guess it would be because I am actually inlove right now? Could be.

Here are some of my few LSS, aside from WISYS…

Irreplaceable by BEYONCE
Hurt by XTINA
4 in the morning by GWEN S.
What goes around comes around by JUSTIN T.
Over it by KATHERINE MCPHEE

These are the songs that just can’t get outta my freakin’ head no matter what I do and like i can’t fight the urge, whatever!

Gosssh…I could cry a bucketload of tears with this songs, me being such an emotional retard.

A piece of advice though, if you have songs that just can’t get out and keeps lurking in your head, let it out, sing it out. You might feel much better!!!

So what’s your LSS?

Dancing my butt off....

Rehearsals @ RIS
Rehearsals @ RIS
Ragi performers Ragi performers
a pose w/ our Ragi Prexy Mother R.

It’s been a lot of fun rediscovering all these talents of ours that has been there forever, waiting to be tap. There's just something so addicting and entertaining about putting yourself out there, doing what you love to do for the first time.

Every individual have different talents, may it be singing, painting, script-writing, cooking, speaking, kumain ng buhay na manok, tumulay sa alambre, bumuga ng apoy..hehe or playing basketball of some sort.

Dancing my butt off! That would be something I love to do during my spare time.

Last June I committed myself to something that I liked doing eversince I was a little kid, reviving old good habit. My mom once told me; when I was this little, they would dress me up and let me dance in front of people. I would cry if they’d stop me. My family & relatives has always been there to witness every time I’d be up there onstage performing in school programs or family occasions.

I was always been baffled at how or where I’d get the energy from every time I danced. It might seem impossible to get spirits high enough to last that long, but it’s not. Once I’m out there, u can’t stop me. Imagine, getting up on your feet and still feeling energetic even after that long a time. I don’t know, there’s just something about dancing that makes me wiggle, it makes me feel alive every time I would hear upbeat music. I feel safe. I feel like I’m in my comfort zone on a natural high all the time, knowing that you are with people having & sharing the same interest like you do. We have this certain good vibe that, when we are all together, it spreads like a virus. You will never notice how the hours fly by.

Dancing has never been this much fun!

It’s been like forever since I took time out to dance. The last time I was on a show was December of 2004. It was entitled, “RAGI 2 I believe”. It was not just an ordinary show but a show show, with huge production numbers, big budget and stuff. Thanks to Universal Cargo as our extravagant sponsor..hehe!

When I first came here in Riyadh, I did not hesitate to join a group called RAGI (Riyadh Artist Guild International) spearheaded by no less, Mother R., from a friend’s recommendation. During the past two years being a member of this group, I have gain friends which until now I’d treasure. When I learned that RAGI would be doing another show, I then pictured of just what the show would be like. I was excited. It’s like I’m gonna be seeing friends again, old and new members of RAGI.

It has been a lot of fun in our every rehearsal. Everyone was always on the mood of dancing, everyone was there to enjoy. New routines were learned as well as injecting some old ones to the music. I have learned to like novelty dance routines somehow, although modern jazz has always been my game. And the food was just perfect too!

Moving on, my age has never been a hindrance for me to still like dancing. Infact, my friend JR, who’s always been my idol in dancing, he’s in his late 30’s (no ffense meant ni..hehe...peace!), guess what? He still choreographs our group, the routines he’d come up with and the moves, oh man! You’ll be amazed, you should see him perform! Not to mention he’s easy to work with, no silly arguments at all. Plus, it helped that JR had always been professional when he choreographs in random.

In reality, I dance just for fun. I don’t see myself dancing professionally. I dance being a member of RAGI for community service.

So, go on, get out of your way and dance your butt off too!

B-day Galore (RL & Jam's birthday bash)

Vil @ work
Rommel the brain of QIL
Finish product
The celebrators
Guests of honor...kuno?

A couple of Wednesdays ago, two fellow housemates of mine celebrated their birthday.

I think, now is the time to share my own personal thoughts about what happen that night. But hey, don’t get me wrong, it is something worthy to share about though.

It was an extra special occasion since both are closes to me. The celebration was a hit! Everyone was obviously satisfied with everything the celebrators have to offer, i.e food, videoke, chikahan, picturan, etc.etc, it was picture perfect.

It was actually a collaboration of all the celebrators friends to come up with such a huge party like that. It was a good thing we have effeminate and not so effeminate friends who are all supportive with each one. Friends who have had different talents and creative ideas. And when combine we could come up with a bash, as successful as the one we just had. Even both the celebrators were hands-on in the preparation.

I just couldn’t imagine myself putting such a party like that without friends who are more than willing to lend their ever helping hands. I don’t think it would be feasible for anyone doing all the preparation alone by himself. Especially me, it’s not like I’m big on birthdays anyway. Heck I wouldn’t put too much stock in my own birthday though and I must realize that I am coming from practically zero experience since my knowledge of anything culinary is nil. I know very little about cooking save for the suspicion that it probably involves heat!

Right now I had a few engagements with food preparation, but simple ones. Like a few nights ago I had to cook chicken adobo for dinner by myself with a little help from Mr. M of course, not the direk Mr. M that we all know, but this is another story. Huh!

Going back, it may not be so far-fetched if you plan a celebration almost a month ahead, just like what they did. Then I don’t think we wouldn’t encounter a major problem then, since everything had been plan ahead of time.

What I liked about the party was that everyone was in-the-party-mood; showing off their flamboyant outfits, even those friends of mine whom I know had this little social anxiety disorder of some sort. Hehe. Although I had missed the opening salvo because I had some prior commitment to attend to, I still feel the crowd were really enjoying. People I would like to see were present.

It was really fun!

But to get the real party started was during the “nomo session”. Some guests who were left behind are all excited for this one. Although it took me like forever to used my convincing power and some other friends, just to push thru and make one of the celebrators dream come true that night.….hehe! No such violence ever happened, though there were some dramas as always from each one of us, but hey, thank you, neither one of us were upstaging or stealing scenes from each other, except for one, but I don’t want to elaborate on that. We ended the session all satisfied and sobered up the next day.

It has been a surreal experience for me. Many years from now, I would certainly remember that day. We may have to go on our separate lives, but so such bonding moments when we talk and share dreams are such moments to be cherished. They are the gifts we give each other that really matter, not the material ones. You see how b-day parties like that and the spirit of “nomo” made us all talk no non-sense. This is good to think about these things and remember how far we have come and where we have to go next.

To my friend RL, you’re not just a year older now, but a year better. Like I told you a birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. So Enjoy the trip and I thank you for making us happy last weekend and for showing us the other side of you and thank you yet again from the bottom of my heart, for being such an inspiration. Rock on!

To my sistah Jam, you were absolutely amazing that night. You made us all feel welcomed and u showed us how to throw a real deal party. I’m so proud of you gurl! You keep it up ok!

July 11 and July 12 had definitely been an occasion that did not go to waste!

I'm sober now....

My idol brit
Whitney
Lindsay
Mariah
James Frey - A Million Little Pieces

Imagine waking up on a plane with no idea where you have been or where you are going. Imagine that your front teeth are missing, your nose is broken and there is a gash on your cheek. Imagine that you have no wallet, no money, no job. Imagine that you have been an alcoholic for ten years and a crack addict for three.

What would you do?

Above is an excerpt from a memoir that I have been reading. I don’t know what’s gotten into me that I have decided to write about alcoholics and addicts. I guess I was just touch by the life story of the character in the memoir, it made me even cry. A life destroyed and a life reconstructed. Or maybe because I’m such a fan of Britney Spears following her every moves or it might be because a friend of mine who suffered the same fate as the story and he wanted me to write about it. Whatever it is, I say, those reasons are just the right reasons.

Almost everyday we hear, see & read more and more of those celebrities or even ordinary citizens suffer all of the same reasons; abused of alcohol and drugs, not knowing that every move they make slowly break their lives beyond repair.

Britney, Whitney, Lindsay, Mariah, Robbie, Mel, Ben and the list goes on and on and on. What do these celebrities have in common? Needless to say, they all are victims of their own transgression. They all have gone from rehab, in and out. What makes them different from the rest of us is that they are public figure; their every move, wrong false move followed, criticized. Probably the same mistakes an ordinary individual made but just aren’t publicized.

They say, when you've achieved greatness and the highest level of success, you feel more and more invincible. There's this feeling of 'I did it.' People like what I do. They support me. They take risks because they feel invincible.

Like some lines of a popular song years back, “What has life to offer me when I grow old? What’s there to look forward to beyond the biting cold? They say it’s difficult, yes stereotypical” Yes, what has life to offer them after every storm? After every struggle? After every nightmare?

AA meetings, the 12-step, accepting the severity of ones condition & HOPE, might just be the answer.

"Alcoholics Anonymous are no crusaders: not a temperance society. They know that they must never drink. They help others with similar problems...In this atmosphere the alcoholic often overcomes his excessive concentration upon himself. Learning to depend upon a higher power and absorb himself in his work with other alcoholics, he remains sober day by day. The days add up into weeks, the weeks into months and years.

Personally, I have gone through a rebellious stage in my life. I have experienced how to drink, to smoke or whatever’s out there, BUT I can proudly say that I am not hopelessly alcoholic of some sort. I always believe it’s just a matter of self-control and discipline. Focus on what really matter, if you don’t want to end up ruining your life like those high-profiled celebrities out there.

No matter how tragic or how devastating one’s life can be, it is essential for us to have hope. This is the one thing that we should cling on. It’s never too late to straighten up one’s mistakes, learn from those mistakes, pick-up the pieces, get sober and live life like a normal person free & abstaining oneself from substances i.e. alcohol etc, etc.

NOW…..the question is!!!

What would you do if your life vanished before your eyes?

And the most important question is, when can you say that you’re done drinking, that you’re done being a crack-head?

The answer is all up to you!

Through the years....

My sis neneng, Kuya Lito and baby KC enjoying the snow
My bro/sis roldan
lalay
andy
SioCon

Almost seven years ago, when I first came in Saudi Arabia to try my luck away from all the people that I loved and cared about. I was at the peak of my career as a secondary teacher back then. I was only 23, a very ideal age for anyone. I was happy with my job and I was so inlove for the first time (naks!).

But the one reason that drove me to where I am right now was always about my future, should I stay and get stack being a teacher, nothing would happen to me in the long run, although being a teacher was a very fulfilling profession.

That one reason leads to another. For one, I think about my family, me being the second child and the oldest among my two younger brothers. Much is expected of me. I think about what it would be like being away from the people you cared about. What it would be like to end the relationship that made you fall in love for the first time knowing how much love and energy you put into your relationship and feel like a normal person again.

But more importantly, I think about me.

I just wanted to see the world completely in a different set of eyes, in a different perspective & think maturely & have that so-called long term goals. I wanted to experience all that and fulfill my purpose.

Though it may not be easy fulfilling all those dreams, you may have to take the risk whatever happens and only hope for the best.

It wasn’t really easy at all when I first decided to come here. It’s so funny how people tried to put me down back then and like criticize about my capacity to not make it. They would say things to me that, I would never gonna make it. That I was never good enough. They create issues about me that I feel it wasn’t necessary. I really don’t know what would be there purpose in telling me all that. You’ll never really know another persons intentions or what another person wants. I feel like I was too open and looking for answers when I had it all to begin with.

At some point I almost gave up, but sometimes we all do really care what other people think or we wouldn’t be here. I took all that as a challenge, I used to be angry coz I was hurting, I tried to be numb to what I hear.

They can never win. Coz at the end of the day, you know those people who truly cared.

Maybe this is the reason for this post. To maybe allow people to look at me differently and positively and I would say that one of the purpose of this post is for me to thank all those people who have helped me put to where I am right now (you know who you are). This is my opportunity to reach out to them and tell them how each of them made a difference in my life. And to those people who do not believe that I can make it on my own, and criticize. Thank you, it made me even stronger. And show to the world that I can do it. I do not place blame on anyone but rather grateful for without those criticism I wouldn’t be the stronger person that I am today somehow. Now I can say that I genuinely know what to do with myself and I’m glad about it. I would never succumb about other’s opinion just because I’m guilty.

Seven years had past and I’m still here, trying to stand still. I have lived my life without so much expectations. I have live almost exactly what I wanted my life to be. I may have experienced some misfortunes along the way, but I can proudly say that I weathered them all. Although we may never really understand or figure out life completely coz that’s God’s job, but It’s like I am more in control of my life right now.

Like anyone of you out there, I just want the same things in life you want….and that is to be happy!


PS.

Above are the people that inspired me to be where I am right now!

My sis tere in UK & her family, my brother roldan who’s in his last year sa nursing course nya, he’ll be graduating soon, my friend lalay who’s a successful teacher now & my friend andy who’s a junior politician in our town and a teacher too.

My mom and popsie and my bro junjun may not be included in the pic but they matter to me as well.

And the last pic was taken during my vacation ’05 at my hometown of Siocon.

Siocon being the one place that all my loved ones have live.

X = Charmed One + Blog

A few weeks ago, cris a friend of mine viewed my profile at friendster, unexpectedly. I don’t know how he came acrossed at my account since I was using my nickname and very few friends knew about my nickname. Well, at friendster you will never really know who u’ll bump into. Maybe he was checking at his long list of friends at his own account who happen to be my friend as well. Let’s just put it that way.

I met cris a few years ago at a common friends bday party (if my memory serves me right), but we were never formally introduced. I guess we were there just for the food and I wasn’t at all friendly back then. Up until now we were never a friend friend but we are not enemies either. The good thing is, when we bump into each other anywhere like in a party, or any other occasion, we click.

Cris has never been a snob. He always had these fine gestures to anyone & a very pleasant & likeable personality. The last time I saw cris was in a party months ago before he migrated to Al Khobar, we were both invited by a common friend.

Then we started communicating, it’s like making up for the lost time, like old friends do. We send messages at friendster almost everyday. Sometimes our conversations seem to become a bit personal. He opens up with me, as I do to him. We stayed that way for a while and I kind of like it. It all started with hi’s and hello’s.

What struck me most was when he sent me the URL of his blog. He wanted me to go through each of his writings based on his experiences and express my views on it. Which interest and triggered me to create my own blog too @ blogspot, though I had got one for myself at friendster.

I was impressed. It was very well written and well documented, down to its smallest details. But there are some restrictions and reservations from him, never spilling the beans all the way. Though I wanted to know something about his sex life as well as boys. Hehe!

As I go on reading, I have learned a lot of chris, how emotional he is sometimes as a person, who his friends are, the activites he’s done. Most of his blogs goes with images in it. One of my favorite is the evolution of himself wherein he posted pictures of himself during those years when he was younger and skinny and the cris he has become today.

I truly admire people who could muster enough words and sharing personal opinions to everyone about their own experiences, and present state of being. It doesn’t mean that they wanted to draw attention from people, but for me it’s like their way of expressing their minds to and acquire feedbacks, viewpoints and opinions in return, either positive or negative.

A blog is, after all, open to the public to read and respond to. Honestly, I couldn’t come up with words to say about cris’s blog if I didn’t like it at all. But hell no!!!

Chris is one of the 100 million community of bloggers who maintain personal blogs. He may not surpass Xu Jinglei who claims to be the most popular blog in the world but my admiration for the courage, the dedication & the time that he puts into his work will always remain in me.

To chris I truly hope that u would gain wide readership among your friends and stop worrying about the berate thing that you’re telling me. Just do what you think is best of your web log to improve more.

And this blog thing that connects us, hopefully will be the beginning of a great friendship.

I look forward to reading more of your blogs, iyaan!

PS. I have decided that my first post would be about Cris coz if not because of him then I won’t be blogging @ blogspot right now. So yeah, I’m so grateful that X introduces me at blogspot. It’s like giving back the credit were the credit is due. Haha! Goshh. this is gonna be exciting!