There are things in life that you didn’t expect to happen. People who surprises you with their gestures; unforeseen forces of nature that you don’t actually understand until you realize that it hit you hard, real hard. Sometimes you asked; what have I done to deserve all this? But most of the times when you think deeply, you realize that all this are a result of every action you may have done in the past and you may have to live with the consequences all along.
What’s confusing is that how people would react which surprises me one way or another.
Perhaps right now, I felt like I have the ability to let people be who they really are. Come out from their cocoon which reveals truth. Some are good ones and some aren’t. Shocking but its true. I have somehow realized that when it comes to whatever I have done, it’s always been big deal when I think it shouldn’t.
If I have the power to let everyone know what I feel, I will. If I have the power to let everyone know what the real story is, I will. But spare me. I have chosen to keep mum except for people whom I believe I could trust.
But let me just take a little sleigh ride down memory lane and tell all of you that the one thing that I have no regret it happens to me in the past, a part of my big past, is what makes me happy and sad. Being in love. I don’t care what I have done or whom I have done it with; I don’t care about whatever demons I may have in my closet. I care about what he makes me feel and he makes me feel strong and safe and calm and warm and true and sad. He makes me feel so many emotions I had no idea I have. The memories are good ones, some of the few that I have.
Right at this very moment, I may have to think that my pasts are nonexistent, my future but a distant fear. Life can be hard and depressing and brutal but I have to live with it. I have to think that this is all in the past. My anger and my hatred, my failure and my shame and my horror and the humiliation, I have to live with. And I pray that all this will be forgotten. Slowly forgotten I must. Life is about change, sometimes it’s painful, sometimes it’s beautiful, but most of the time it’s both.
Right now, the pain is gone.
What keeps me holding right now is my faith. And this time, I have to embrace and accept the idea that faith can make my life better. I know my faith makes my life better, and whether that I believe in exists or not, because I have faith in it, I get the benefits of that faith.
XO,
B
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