Talk is cheap
FORTyFIED By Cecile Lopez Lilles
It doesn’t cost anything for one to blab away until his tongue falls off, so many have turned this into a favored pastime; for others, it’s a full-fledged sport. But can we blame them? Not really. In this tropical society where self-aggrandizement seems to have become as rampant as influenza, the condition known as He Who Talks Too Much But Doesn’t Really Have Anything To Say has become as ordinary as the common cold.
Quite annoying, isn’t it? Being beside a man who has a fuel-injected, turbo-charged mouth? Whatever the reason, the stereotype of The Woman Who Talks Too Much is very much alive, ergo, readily accepted; while the man who does so isn’t greeted with as much tolerance. So there goes inequality of the sexes when tipped to the other direction… Yes, life is never fair!
Men who talk too much fall into several categories. Let’s scrutinize the following personas:
1. The Know-It-All: He thinks he is God and is convinced that his first name is Webster, last name Britannica. He may actually be knowledgeable about certain disciplines except that he lacks the discipline of practicing humility. This, plus his underlying presumption that no one else is as learned as he, makes him comes across as an insufferable boor. People who are well-educated are not compelled to aggressively fight for their personal opinions. They are confident in their choices so they don’t ram these down other people’s throats.
What to do: Tell him you have an IQ of 70 and that everything he is saying is over your head so he should hold his peace. Be the bigger person and leave him alone to his game.
2. The ‘Been There, Done That’ Fella: This type broaches any to pic involving travel to exotic places, participation in extreme sports and anything else that falls under the hard-to-reach, hard-to-find and hard-to-do categories, in order to build a platform for his ascent to the heavens by besting everybody else’s experience with his own. He invalidates someone else’s feat, no matter how noble, by saying “been there, done that, no biggie!” In other words, everything is an elaborate set-up for personal aggrandizement.
What to do: Tell him you just met God — yes, Him, the one who lives in Heaven, and that you both had a roaring great time! Let him try and top that.
3. The One-Upper: This man is a close relative of Mr. Been There Done That. Although he doesn’t concoct grandiose traps to glorify his image, he immediately puts down whoever relates a personal experience by magnifying his own. He makes himself appear as always “one better” than the next man. This type is prone to exaggeration.
What to do: Ask for hard evidence — some sort of visual proof.
4. The Family Motor Mouth: There is one in every family; most of the time it’s a sibling who commandeers and hogs the conversation. Those of this type love to listen to themselves and will go to great lengths to prevent anyone from snatching their podium. And the worst part is, since it is only among family, he refuses to be silenced.
He disregards others’ efforts to abate his performance and since everyone else is duty-bound by blood to humor him, he goes off… up, up, and away.
What to do: Serve lechon at the next family gathering and set it right in front of him—works every time!
5. The Napoleon Bonaparte: Seriously, there is such a thing as a Short Man Complex, although no one actually ever says it in the presence of the vertically challenged. Short men, more often than not, have booming voices, several decibels louder and deeper than the average male’s. They have loud contrabida laughs and constantly shout even when speaking to someone a mere arm’s length away. I highly suspect that this is because they’re not readily visible so they forever have to fight to be seen and heard. They probably want to sound bigger than they actually are. This analogy is congruent with the “short man/huge truck” joke. Oops, sorry; that was downright cruel of me so I take it back.
What to do: Tell him a short-man joke then just go to confession immediately after to rid yourself of the guilt.
6. He Who Thinks Out Loud: Among all the types this is the one that gets my goat. This man, who verbalizes his thinking process as it occurs in real time, is painful to bear. It’s like pulling teeth without the Novocain shots. Consider this scenario: a man is going on a trip and he is packing his suitcase. As he goes about the task he does a running commentary, much like a live play-by-play during a ballgame. “Okay, how many shirts should I take? Seven? Maybe eight? Nah, make that seven. Oh, but it won’t hurt to take an extra one just in case… Okay, what about pants? Two pairs of jeans and two pairs of trousers. Do I need more? Should I take one black pair and one brown? Or should it be the blue one. Let’s do socks. Tube socks or crew socks? How many dark, how many light?”
What to do: Option 1: Say something like, “Oh, for heaven’s sake, who cares how many and what color? Just stuff the darn clothes in and shut the suitcase! While you’re at it, shut your mouth as well. Puh-lease!” Maybe I overdramatize this one, but you get my drift. Option 2: Buy earplugs or wear your iPod.
7. Mr. Me, Myself and I: This man is Narcissus himself. Whether his preoccupation with himself is a healthy form of self-love or plain and simple conceit is something you will have to figure out. This type will engage you in a monologue with the sole intention of divulging his entire life story whether you are interested or not. By the end of his act you will have known what his great-great grandmother looked like, how cute he was as a baby, how many points he made in that deciding game for the varsity championship, how he likes his eggs done and his secret frustrated dream of wanting to be a talk show host.
What to do: Don’t waste your time. Walk out and eat a pint of Haagen-Dazs coffee ice cream; there ain’t no silencing this type.
8. The Kiss and Tell: This one’s a no-brainer; you know the type.
What to do: Kiss him and tell on him. If you’re gutsy, take a photo of the kiss, post it on the Net and have your 15 minutes of fame.
9. The Walking Encyclopedia, a.k.a. The Geek: Those who fall under this category are the real McCoys. They actually do know what they are talking about, except that not very many may be interested, so there is a shortage of sympathetic listeners. These guys rattle off technical stuff: numbers, formulae, equations, definitions, theorem, etc. Do we want to sit tight and listen to numerical values like the speed of sound and the speed of light? Do we want to find out about the intricacies of combustion or how the properties of agate are different from that of stones? Do we want to hear his rebuttal to the editorial piece in the latest issue of The Economist? Do we need to know which stocks he thinks will be the best buys in the next few weeks? Do want his projected permutations of the next winning lotto number based on his extensive knowledge of actuarial science? Or do we want to spend precious time watching Brad Pitt munch on food in his latest movie Ocean’s Thirteen? Again, it’s a no-brainer!
What to do: Pray he’s not gay and ask for his number.
But really, just how should a man handle the complicated art of verbal communication? I think the rule of thumb, as with everything else, is moderation. Here’s a practical index: in any given social situation, if you’re talking 30 percent of the time, you’re good; 50 percent, you’re hitting borderline, so back off; 70 percent, you’re talkative; 80 percent, you’re insufferable; 90 to 100 percent, you should be executed.
To those who are mathematically challenged, that translates to 18 minutes out of every hour of socialization as the acceptable length of time that one may talk.
What constitutes good verbal skills? I believe deliberateness in manner of speech gives the impression that the speaker has carefully weighed and processed his thoughts instead of blurting them out randomly; in other words, he should make sense. Just as important is cadence and timing. He mustn’t sound rushed as though he were stumbling over his own words or risk appearing high-strung or gung-ho. On the other hand, he should guard against speaking too slowly and intermittently, careful not to pepper his speech with “uhs” and “ums,” lest people think his vocabulary is all of one paper bag’s worth, or worse, that he is “special.”
What is at work here is mastery of language: a good command of grammar and a wide vocabulary. Please note that we need not confine ourselves to the English language. Politics aside, this brings to mind several notable people I truly admire — Filipinos all, who are as adept in Filipino as they are in English and have no problem switching from one to the other. There was the late business tycoon, Mr. Enrique Zobel, who was a true master of both languages. Listening to him speak was like being carried away by a Beethoven symphony. There is also Ms. Imee Marcos, who breathes life into our great language just as effortlessly as she articulates her thoughts in English. Another person worthy of mention here is Senator Edgardo Angara who, as a lawyer, is a maestro in spoken Filipino and English.
Let’s move back to us, we lesser mortals, who continue our humble struggle with language and communication. I have received e-mails asking why I occasionally inject Filipino idioms, phrases and entire sentences into my articles, post-scripted with suggestions that I should refrain from doing so. My answer is that there are Filipino ideas and images that have no direct translation into English; or maybe I just do not have the tools to execute them. But please let me add that I make use of Filipino because I am Filipino, and oh-so-proud to be. So there…
Whether or not one has mastery of language, it is essential that he does not try to mask any shortcomings by using “big” words. Most important is clarity of thought, so use precise words to communicate effectively. It may be helpful to note that speech in social situations should be sparing; it must be unleashed in short controlled bursts, so one doesn’t sound like a runaway train or what Ms. Miriam Defensor Santiago described as having “verbal diarrhea.”
So what is the difference between a buffoon at a cocktail party mouthing 1,000 words per nanosecond and UK Prime Minister Tony Blair exhorting everyone to champion the cause against terrorism on the BBC? Substance, my dear. Substance.
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