Sense of belongingness, whatsoever....

mince pepper..haha!

Have u ever felt in your entire existence feeling like you’re an “outsider”? Feeling like you do not belong? Or someone made you feel that way?

When I started working in my new job, I knew there would be things to expect. I told myself whatever they where; it would be something to look forward to. But my expectations quickly vanished. I have never felt so neglected and sooo deprived ever in my life than these past 2 days. You know the feeling of being worthless and being ignored by people you do not expect they could do it to you. Especially people that I work with and people that I considered superiors. No matter how I pep talk myself to not get affected I still could not control my emotions.

I couldn’t help but mesmerize about my good ol’ days with my previous job and remember the wonderful years I have spent with all those exceptional individuals. The working hours is fantastic. All the facilities are high-end. A round-the-clock access to the internet and kingdom-wide phone calls using IP phone, similar to the ones being used in the popular US television series “24”. You can even talk to your friends, 5 of your friends all at the same time.

You name it, stc’s got it all. Oh God, There! I can’t believe I just mention stc. Well, I can’t help it. It’s just that I kind of feel like everything in stc is being serve in a silver platter. I would have left stc and not stayed for almost 5 yrs if I didn’t like the job. It’s like a dream office for anyone.

However, there maybe bad days quite a few times as opposed to what I am experiencing right now. People at my new job are exaggeratedly observant of us esp. at me. I feel like I am being taken personally by some people whom I regard as my superiors. I guess what triggered there ego was my way of dealing with them. I am always been assertive but never tactless when I deal with them and that respect and professionalism mirror in what I do. Like an American statesman once said, “the most important aspect of the relationship between the President and the Secretary of State is that they both understand who is President."

Just that right now, a single mistake I make, they let me feel miserable and worthless. No matter how much effort I have exerted at what you do, still it doesn’t satisfy them. No matter how much you think you perfected, performed and accomplished the job, still it doesn’t satisfy them. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to do anymore.

My work as a secretary and admin support is not really a tough job although more and more varied functions and responsibilities has been applied lately. I’ve been into this for like forever and I know what my scope of work are. But right now, the demands and the expectations at my new job is high. Wrong false move then you kept the whole department talking.

Sometimes I question myself, am I that bad? Am I not performing my work the best I can? Am I not good enough for them? Or am I being discriminated because of the nature of my job.

Having said all that to redeem myself, I’d like to commend Mary Barrett, C. King Woodbridge, and Harry F. Klemfuss for their collective effort to create a special Secretary’s Day holiday, to recognize the hardwork of all the secretaries out there. April 4 is now celebrated in offices all over the world as “Administrative Professional’s Week” to highlight the increased responsibility of today’s secretary and other administrative workers, and to avoid embarrassment to those who out of political correctness believe that “secretary” refers only to women or to unskilled workers.

I say that secretaries are family too, who needs & deserve mutual respect and encouragement, like any other relationships out there.

P.S. I’d like to dedicate this piece to my friend J, we shared the same feelings on this.

Just Something....

stage kuningkuning
emotions @ the pool
look at anita, best in pose award..hahahaha
dugmok ang show..
w/ dave & allan

Ahhhhhh, I don’t even know where to begin. These past 2 days have been one of the best and the worst of my life. I got to have more fun with the party and the khalda sports fest 2007 that I have attended all in one night. It was definitely a hooked up! And a bad day yesterday (I don’t even want to talk about it, just don’t wanna ruin my day, eh)

The parties I have attended were awesome, the food was great, and everyone was friendly. The khalda sports fest event was definitely an event I could never miss on attending. Although Allain and I were late and what’s funny, we got lost in our way to the straha (venue), still it was all worth it. I really don’t have the sense of direction in me eversince. Hahaha!

Sooo I got some good pictures posted as u can see. It was all taken at the Khalda Sports Fest 2007. These are last minute pictures which I have taken but I was very focused on taking pictures for my blog and yah all.
Enjoy the pix!

P.S. To my friend Jaleesa. It was nice chatting with you last Wednesday night. Thanks too for sharing with me some of your thoughts. You started my weekend really something memorable. Keep it cool gurl!

PS to PS. Before I forget, I would like to say welcome back Mother R, thanks for the cutie flipflops na pasalubong. I’ll see u soon, ok!

Hey u, WELCOME BACK!!!

Just a quick update!

Today is like crazy I got a call from a friend moments ago. He’s back in Riyadh now. God, I just can’t believe he’s back. We lost touch for like a couple years and now he’s truly here. He surprised me with a call. I was just speechless. I dunno what to say. Actually he’s a former colleague; we work at the same company before. He was soo nice to me all along. I won’t forget that.

If you’re reading these, you know who u are, I just wanna say THANK YOU my friend. I welcome you back!

Soooo great to hear from you again.

Good luck to you!!!

P.S. hey guys, it’s Wednesday, it'll be my off tom and fri…the next two days I am going to be VERY busy, tonight after I get home from work I am probably going to go to sleep considering I have a busy 2 days coming up.

So until Friday, probably there will be no updates and new posting from me. Be back on sat. Anyway, you’re all free to post ur comments at my chatbox.

What's it like to be me...

You ever look a picture of yourself, and see a stranger in the background?. And then you question yourself about who you really are and how it is like to be you? In other words, confused?

I do…quite a few times actually!

The last couple of months for me have been a roller coaster ride of emotional cries & battle. During those months, there has been a lot of ups and a lot of downs. Forces that I think may have affected me negatively somehow in some aspect of my life. People around me tend to become so observant. They often misconstrue me about anything. I always get notice for what I wear, what I say and I what I don’t say, what I do and what I don’t do, the people I mingle with, etc.etc., which made me think badly about them and then question their sincerity.

I guess almost everyone has these ulterior motives from everyone. I do not know what would that be, but it is in them hiding somewhere.

Putting somebody like me in a situation such as these is quite a hurdle. I became too conscious & cautious about what to act and what to say. I’m like a bird who wanted to be freed anytime out his cage. Sometimes I feel inferior about myself, it’s like I’m loosing my self-confidence & faith in my own abilities along the way. I felt like I have lost my free will and that I’m always responsible and be blamed for everything that I do. I have developed self doubts & become critical of myself almost loosing my self esteem.

Being me and & in my shoes is kind of hard. However, I thought that negative outcomes are always possible. But rather than exaggerating or minimizing it, you give it the due attention necessary (what can I do if this happens ...).Confused as I can be, I face my fear; I face my demon and deal with it. It’s always just a matter of state of balanced and positive perception. It’s just a matter of learning how to keep things to yourself, stand for what you believe in & rescuing yourself.

All these are like a test to me, because it’s only when we’re tested that we truly discover who we are. And it’s only when we are tested that we discover who we can be. A tough test that will randomly measure our emotional strength, intellectual aptitude, social and mental focus, and yes, our undying moral values. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere in the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond fear of what life has.

Everything that I have experienced during the past months made me realized how beautiful and how complicated life really is and that in life there always comes a time that you question yourself about who you really are, what you can do and what you can’t do as well as your limitations as a person.

Some pictures @ Rommel's 39th Birthday Celeb

Bot, Richmond, Jayson & Rommel
Jun, Rommel, Vil, Poch, Bot & Matt
Jeff, Ron, Bot, Rommel
Bot, vil, Anita in black, den, chris
with the celebrator, mejo tipsy na ako dito

ROME - The TV Series

Julius Caesar
Octavia & Atia of the Julii
Set of Rome in Cinecetta Studios

Titus Pullo and Lucius Vorenus

I have been hooked on watching “ROME” - an HBO produced TV series that has just concluded its final episode recently. Hooked that I couldn’t help but watch each episode a night no matter how tired I am from work. It’s like my eyes are glued at my monitor screen in every episode.

I was just amazed how HBO had to put up such a huge production like that. They say the production is regarded as one of the most expensive in the history of TV series. The sound effects were fantastic. The scenery is very realistic and modern. The exchange of dialogue of all the characters in the series is very witty in a modern way. The standout characters are two of Caesar's soldiers, Lucius Vorenus played by Kevin McKidd and Titus Pullo played by Ray Stevenson.

I never really know the story of the roman revolution but I’ve heard ‘bout Anthony and Cleo and Julius Caesar, but I don’t know specific details about their lives until a friend introduce the series to me.

I thank you chay!

Last night I watched the last and the season finale of the series. It had me begging for more. Although I wanted more of ROME it would be impossible. From what I have learned, they would not be returning for a third season.

Next stop: Grey’s Anatomy….

Win Some...Lose Some

Win Some…Lose Some
By: Jam Nava-Cruz II
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

Why does everything lose its allure or value or glory? Would somebody please tell me why? I buy some toy cars, even it is cheap, it cannot get much worse. I feel like a kid again, playing with toys and then starts getting very annoying. Seriously, I don’t consider myself as a person who gets bored very easily; my attention span can go on up to three whole hours. I can even spend three hours straight with a person that I almost want to strangle to death. You see how tolerant I am. But for some odd reasons, I feel like every single exciting thing I get in my life is only exciting for a certain period of time. Then it starts becoming normal. I mean, I am happy about it for sure but with sort of indifference. I can give you tons of examples: It is like when I start up with my job at the office of a certain "Royalty" that I feel I am indeed in a corporate environment arena. A feeling of euphoria (hoping that it will offer me a touch of pleasure and a pinch of luxury (but not until this very now. Now, it becomes a kind of routine. And the perfection starts fading away. I can start see the imperfections, noticing the annoying elements in the corporate environment I am moving and working on; even sensing the emotional inconsistencies of my beloved officemates.

I tell you it is scary. I mean, seeing things as they truly are can be brutal. I suggest that all people keep their masks and that way, we can have a more healthy environment. I don’t need to know that a certain guy broke up with his girlfriend. I don't need to know that a friend is badmouthing me or telling foul against another friend. Sometimes, I just want to sit in my home-pad breathing my smoke-free-air. Is that too much to ask?

Now, back to the subjects of indifference. Another example is my "killer wardrobes" that they say are quite strange to wear in Saudi Arabia. Since it became old and worn-out, thus, I stopped wearing them. During my vacation last May 2005 in Manila, I made my own fashion designs and have somebody tailored it for me. And for sometime, since I came back, my new sets of wardrobes were fine, not until now that I start feeling bored wearing them. Even on my extra temporal-affairs, boredom and irritations do come in, which oftentimes, pushed me to the world of guilt and ill-feelings. Besides, what my "ayouni" has to do with it!

As I look back at this indifference, I suddenly recalled an advice of my bestfriend, (Jessica), who had been killed by a "killer lightning". Once he told me, "all we have to do is to find ways to keep the excitement going". A simple glimpse of idiotic brouhaha. And this thought made me rack my brains at this very moment.

As I think about it, few cute-instances feed-in like: Perhaps, if I get bored with an exercise tape, I need to buy new one or borrow another till I get so bored with the new one and make the old one exciting again. Perhaps, if I get bored eating "adobo", then I should try some sort of Italian or French foods, until my crave for "adobo" comes back. Perhaps, if I am sick and tired of seeing the same people like my true-old-friends like Basil, Leonard, Oscar, Adan, Gil, Noriel, Terry and Donald, then I should go out and meet some new ones.

And perhaps, I could trust the advice of Jessica that after getting bored with these new ones I will find the old ones more exciting, more valuable like angels. Perhaps, it is just a matter of renewing the feelings, the appetite, the happenings! But one thing I so sure about this "old-and-new" thing: "That it is sad and true that you don't know what you have until it is gone". And perhaps, I should always think about it.

Two years ago, I had a lengthy chat with Mr. Jacir, the advisor to the "Royalty", who happened to be then in Riyadh about how meaningless life can be sometimes. And how frustrated and disappointed one feels at times. Mr. Jacir told me that he believed in the theory that each person has his own problems and somehow he manages to live with them. And if it were possible for human beings to change their lives or at least their problems that each person would soon want his old trouble back. He did not know, but I found his theory somehow appealing. That nobody and nothing is perfect, but you have to find a way to make it bearable. Maybe, that is what life is all about. Besides, if it weren't for defeats, the victories wouldn't mean as much. Perhaps, it is indeed true that sometimes we need to lose in order to win!

Insensitivity and Broken Promises

Have you ever made a promise to yourself or to someone and never have kept it? Never ever thinking what could have been the outcome should you keep your promise or not. Who doesn’t? I guess almost everyone does. Like myself, people tend to make promises. They promise. They break it. They promise. They break it. Once you’ve done it, most likely you’ll do it again and again and again. It’s like, Oppss…you’ve done it again!

The word is usually often abused not knowing what could have been the effect on them. Maybe some of you would argue with me and may totally disagree. But my point is, when someone made a promise to you and shouts to the open and you sort of like expect it BIGTIME, you stick to the person’s words, then it turn out that person has done nothing, it’s a total devastation, that’s for sure. Not knowing what would be the reason why that person has turn his back on you. Then you start asking yourself why? Do you really deserve these things to happen to you? Does this mean that we as a human being have this bad side in us, i.e. being insensitive to the feelings of others, etc.?

Somehow, I guess it is how you handle broken promises! How u deal with the person and how you take it.

If you would ask me, I too had my fair share of a broken promise. Honestly, I couldn’t take it pretty well. Usually I become too emotional. I felt like I despise the person who’s done it. No matter how casual I am to talk to the person, that it’s ok what he’s done and that we all make mistake blah blah, it always shows how I truly feel deep inside. I think I may not really that good of hiding emotions. But what the heck! I’ll cry it out whenever I liked to, but behind close doors. I wouldn’t show physically that I was affected but emotionally, instead.

Overall, for me it’s sort of like a lesson learned to not to expect too much from anyone. Just lower your expectations and let it be. Just let the person realize along the way that he’s done something wrong.

I may have promise and broke it, but I accepted it, that it was a mistake I have done.

But some questions remain;

Why do people always have to give false hope? Why do people make promises and eventually break that promise? Questions, so many questions that lead to more questions and left answered, hoping that the answers to those questions are just blowing in the wind.

Over it....

Falling in love is like one of the most wonderful feeling a person could ever feel. To love and beloved knowing that someone cares for you and vice versa is cloud nine. Love, as an inspiration to go through life.

Isn’t that something? Definitely it is.

But what if all the feeling has gone? What if all you have cared & hope for ended up just for nothing? And you realized that it wasn’t worth it after all. You realized that the feelings you have for this person had started to slip away? That it was just false alarm. That everything wasn’t for real. That everything is just a show?

I’d like to believe that falling in love and getting hurt in the process is a just a part of it. They say, life is not always a bed of roses. The same rule applies with love. You fell in love, then you get hurt, then you fell out of love. It is but normal.

Personally, I have love 3 times in my life and counting, well aside from my family of course which I would love forever.

It all started when I was 23 yrs old, up until now. Seven years, I have been in love for seven years.

I have met a lot of people, mingle & bond with them. But these 3 made me feel the true meaning of love. They made me feel how it is to love and beloved, to get hurt and heal all wounds along the way, all in different ways.

The painful and the hardest part of all this is when the relationship turn sour and you have to let go, get over with and move on. Though both love maybe strong but it isn’t permanent. They would end up loosing each other.

Some people had to deal with it for months, weeks, days.

They would cry and cry.
They would blame themselves for what happen.
They would become vulnerable and feel miserable of themselves.
They would drink and get drunk thinking that they would get away with it.
They would even do it the harsh way by taking away their lives or shaving their heads maybe.

Different style, ways & art of letting go and you could finally say that you are so over it. A time to let go and allow yourself to hurl into your own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.

NOTE:
A friend of mine wanted me to write about letting go and getting over at love. So this is the best that I can do for that person. Although I have injected some of my experiences.

I'm bored...

I’m sooo bored right now that I decided to email my friend Anita Linda Blair (name is a combi of the popular actress in the phil Anita Linda & the hollywood actress popular of potraying the excorsist movie in the 70’s, Linda Blair) who’s working in Riyad Bank.

We were actually emailing each other asking what we were doing besides emailing ourselves. He was busy updating his friendster account he thinks it has been hack by some hackers. And so I asked him what topic to write, an interesting topic to write, u know just to keep my mind busy. Then he emailed me back. Why not write about your upcoming birthday celebration. For a while, I thought, why not? Then moments later I emailed him back telling him that it isn’t that interesting a topic. Since my birthday is still two weeks from now. I asked him to give me another topic. He was quick to reply, write about loosing love. He was actually referring to himself. But if you can remember I have written something about you already, I said. About you being inlove and loosing love in the process. Not to mention my recent postings are topics about love. Don’t u think it’s gonna be redundant?

Finally, I told him, I have settled to write both. My birthday prep and getting over with love. Gosshhh, what a perfect combination. Haha!

Now that keeps me busy. It’s like I’m on the move again- yeah baby!

Going back to my b-day prep. Like what I have written before, I’m not really a big fan on organizing something like birthdays and stuff. Esp. if it’s my own. I haven’t put so much stock on my birthdays even before, anyways. I dunno I always wanted to be in the side lights. I always wanted it to be simple and intimate. Inviting very few and close friends, if ever. I party and mingle at birthday parties, but not on my own, goshhh it could be awkward.

Although most of my friends are more than willing to help in the preparations and everything. But up until now I have not decided if I’d prepare or not although we have talk about it in passing. For so many reasons why I’m still thinking about it.

I feel like the pressure is on me right now. I have attended like a few bday parties already and now it going to be mine.

I’m just sooo undecided and confuse right now. And what’s bothering me is that I still have to work on the day of my birthday. So the big question is, if ever I’d prepare, so how am I going to attend to my guests? How?

Anyway, I’ll keep it like that for now. I still have a week to think about it, though!

P.S. my posting about getting over with love will follow momentarily.

Note: u see what boredom can do. anyway, tnx anita for giving me ideas kanina on what to write. ayan tuloy na-confuse ako.hahahaha

"Err in LOVE"

Err in Love
(An Illusion of a Disillusioned)
By: Jamie Nava-Cruz

He was absent from my life for several years now. In the beginning, I did not know why! It seemed like a simple story of two people quietly drifting apart.

For sometime, we tried to ignore what is happening. It hurts because he and I were like peas in a pod. Between us stood almost eight years of shared memories, laughter and tears, gain and loss, triumph and defeat. Almost eight years which both of us cherished, which both of our common friends, colleagues and even our families’ respect. It hurts because suddenly I was on the outside looking in. The old group was there and he was part of it. They were all part of it. I seemed the odd one.

At one time, I declared him as an enemy. It was my own childish way of getting back, getting even! They say the spoken words are mightier than the swords, and it must be because by telling scathing words about him with old-and-new friends, I could possibly manage to succeed in my questionable mission. And yet, later-on, I hung my head in shame. I regretted every hasty word, if I could, I would have taken it all back and pretend the deed had never been done. A lesson well taken: "Never put down anger in words for that lends to perpetuity." Why perpetuate something so utterly useless?

It seemed to me that it is impossible for us to mend our relationship after what has been said and done, especially for me, because I had got two thirds of the pains, which I believe I do not deserve. But it is quite possible too since he is started sending feelers to reach me through the courtesy of our mutual friends.
I am hypocrite if I will not admit that I miss him too especially that my birthday is almost in my doorsteps, besides, the days seem fly past and soon enough I will leave this place for another job opportunities overseas. And how funny I am right now to reminisce the happy and wonderful five years of our relationship. I and Sam are kindred spirits, romantic souls which heretofore could exist only in books.

When the rest of the world is too much with us, Sam and I slip back into a realm known only to us. We withdraw. We flee. And yet, we never feel alone. We are never isolated because we have each other. As bindings go, I believe ours is unique. It roots run deep, clinging mightily to a long history of entwined pasts. This bonding has encountered many storms, a few turbulent enough to destroy it, just like this one we have right now! It has been buffeted and assailed by foreign elements (as I secretly refer to them). Perhaps, these elements will continue to tamper with it. But I am certain, that in due time, it will survive and endure (as it always has).

Around this time, I have the feelings that perhaps Sam will leave our relationship for good. Besides, I have a pride that I will never let him come along. So in contrast to what our mutual friends keep on telling: "That we would eventually settle our differences and make peace."

One particular friend would always repeat: "Kung may babalikan, puwedeng bumalik." I do not know, but I hope it would be easy to return and revisit everything we had once discarded and put aside. As for me, this very now, I know something has changed. And with these changes, I believe, we will be more wiser now and more grown-up. Indeed, life is too short much too short to harbor anger, ill feelings, to withhold forgiveness.

I guess we are still healing. At the back of my mind is the knowledge that friendship, most relationship for that matter, is sometimes awfully fragile. It needs plenty of tender loving care. We must nurture friendship and cherish it. Like Rome, it cannot be built in a day!

For five years, I and Sam have been patiently building, reshaping and improving this rare gift. It is tried and tested. And perhaps, this last round of test we are facing right now seems to be the toughest so far. I am, indeed, hope that we can weather this one and nothing can ever come between us or ruin what we have. I would like to think that what we have is unshakable. For love burns at its core, and there to enhance it are loyalty, honesty and willingness to forgive.

Yes, my _th birthday is almost in my doorsteps, knocking! And I know, there would be another day, and yes, another year! Perhaps, we can start all over again with a clean slate, even just plain friends. And what could be a more fitting time than my natal day to wipe away all hurt and try to heal.

(J. Nava-Cruz is an aspiring writer. The thoughts expressed in this article are of his.)

P.S. Jamie is the immediate-past-president of the Mabuhay Toastmasters Club, where i was once a member and an officer.

REBORN!

@ POTR

with nitz en ice
with nitz en ice
with the bday celebrant Rommel
with charmed @ POTR
with rob @ his lovely POTR

I was having the time of my life for the last few days. Savoring my so-called hiatus. A week off my other job was a relief. I just can’t believe I was doing exactly what I was doing a year ago. Work and home. The same old routine and I miss that. The one-week off that I just had was a blessing-in-disguise. I guess what I needed was a break, that’s exactly what I’ve wanted and it was given to me.

I feel like I was well-rested. Sabi nga ni Mark-it, I was like rejuvenated, revitalized and reborn, whatever! I guess I deserved that for myself. I almost forgot how it feels to be free from anything. No late night work, no overworking my hands with encoding and no people bugging me here and there. I was at peace with the world to say the least.

Not that I’m being selfish or something, but sometimes I think of the people I work with at my other job like ; how are things going on with them? Who’s doing the stuff that I’m doing? How’s my friend slash shock absorber mark-it doing? All of them. I hold no grief in my heart. Whatever has been said and done. It’s a thing of the past.

Now that I’m reconsidering on working again. I know that I’m going to miss the one-week that I was free. I just needed my other job. I really am. Oh I can still remember clearly what I have told to a close friend of mine last week. That i was evicted from my other job, he was like sorry for me but I was quick to say that it’s not all about money all the time. But I remember him say “mas maganda nga un pra makapagpahinga ka naman”. Hey, that was such a relief, esp. coming from him!

A lot of friends have been asking me what happen. They would say “give us the details”. But I’m sorry my lips are sealed. Glad that they respected that. I feel so stupid sometimes by not telling them anything. Don’t you think they deserved to know? I’d like to quote my friend Mr. M “You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you”. That was what I’m afraid of.

But whatever it is I did, I'm going to fix it. I'm going to do the right thing. Hmmm. but I am not bitter of anything, as in at all. I never feel like I was singled-out or victimized by anybody.

Having said all that, I’d like to say I welcomed myself back.

And I would leave yah all with these;

“The only way you’ll get to appreciate things is when you work hard for them. If everything is given to you, there’s a tendency for you to take things for granted.”

P.S. I had so much fun last weekend. I met up again with charmed one at his host, rob and den POTR. The swimming with x and mel, was such a fat-burner after they served us with the delicious Saudia lecheflan, the mouth-watering cake from Marriott and the Egyptian mango. Thank you!

Then I attended a b-day party of Rommel, a close friend of mine. The puyatan was really all worth it, the food was great esp. the tofu, the perennial serving of sago, etc. etc. You definitely rock the house last Thursday night. Happy birthday my dearest friend!

I wanna know what love is....

Healing Heart
Chinese Character for love

At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world. Six billion souls. And sometimes -- all you need is one.

If one life can really make an impact on the world and you believe that one man can change many lives and your life. The question is, how will u ever know that, that one person is the right person for u?

It’s so funny how and what love can do to a person. You do things beyond your imagination, beyond anything. It feels a lot like being stretched and pulled from opposite ends, wanting to love and give all that you can yet knowing that, sometimes, a “no” must be heard. And then you feel pain flowing all inside you. Pain that somehow made you realize how hooked you are to that person.

Like what I have said in my previous posting; life’s funny sometimes; can push pretty hard like when you fall in love with someone but they forget to love you back, like when your bestfriend has been trying to help you get to him and the guy you like just leave you alone, hanging on to nothing, and you can’t take it back. In life, they call this “pushing back”.

But It’s alright to cry over the sad or sometimes silly things we have done out of love. There’s always seconds chances and hope. Every once in a while we step up, we rise above ourselves. Sometimes they surprise us, and sometimes they fall short. But if you look close enough you find hope in the words of your friends, in the bars of a song and in the eyes of someone you love. And if you're lucky, and if you're the luckiest person on this entire planet, the person you love decides to love you back.

Once in a while people push on to something better. Something found just beyond the pain of going it alone and just beyond the bravery and courage it takes to let someone in. Or to give someone a second chance. Something beyond the quite persistence of a dream.

I don’t know why people put things off that easily, without trying even harder, but if I had to guess. I’d say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you’re wrong? What if you make a mistake you can’t undo? Whatever it is we're afraid of, one thing holds true: that by the time the pain of not doing the thing gets worse than the fear of doing it. It can feel like we're carrying around a giant tumor.

There is a right time for everything and the perfect time will come. When this happens, though, we will reap the benefits of our hard work and patience. Just have faith. Just think, we could be a big part of someone elses life, and not even know it.

Someone once told me; every song has an ending, but is that any reason not to enjoy the music?

To end, I’d like to quote some lines of a movie of Mandy Moore; A Walk to Remember. This answers the question of the title of this blog which goes;

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth and to hope and to endure whatever comes. There are three things that last faith, hope and love, and love is the greatest of these."

P.S. I’m dedicating this piece to a friend of mine who was sooo inlove and failed (you know who you are). I’m on your side my friend.

Awake like forever (4 in the morning)

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small , like when we do a bad thing, for a good reason. Some are bigger, like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pains of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret, because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past. And sometimes we bury our regret, by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did... but the things we didn't do. The things we didn't say that could save someone we care about. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed our way.

Last night I have reminded of how difficult it was to go thru life. To be given the privilege to celebrate and take care of my-so-called-life; making the right choices and if the choices I make matter and that it can change my life. For better..or worse.

Last night was the longest night of my life ever. I never would have thought I’d still be up like that, esp. on a weekday. I was in front of our kitchen window at 4AM, my favorite place to be alone esp late at dawn, puffing a cigarette on one hand. Listening to my favorite lovesongs and crying out loud.

There has been a lot of things going on in my mind, things that keeps on flashing right thru and I just couldn’t decipher and decode it all.

One reason, it was because I learned something about my other job, which could make or break me. It felt like it was a test to me and I failed. It felt like sometimes it seems like I was the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated or unsatisfied, or barely getting by, despite the hardwork and faith I have put thru with my job and the people I work with.

And questions so many questions keeps lurking into my head like; if I could go back and just change one thing about my life, would i? and if I did, would that change make my life better? Or would that change ultimately break my heart? Or break the heart of another? Would I choose an entirely different path? Or would I change just one thing? Just one moment. One moment that I’ve always wanted back. Of course, when face with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it. But that’s not me. I say no regrets, no regrets. Like my friend Anita used to tell me in one of our serious conversations. That life must go on. My other job is gone, but that doesn’t mean that I’m over. As a matter of fact, I say it’s just the beginning.

Life’s funny sometimes. It can push you pretty hard.

I believe it is never too late to pause, reflect and to take back control of my life right now. It is never too late to reassess my priorities and values, and to change them if necessary. I believe I should be grateful for what has happened to me right now and, in spite of any crises, I should learn to count my blessings, to make my life better.

It is okay to dream and to dream big, but we shouldn’t fret, envy others or complain. I do not believe we are victims of fate or circumstances beyond our control, or that we can blame God, our kin or others for our past, present or our future. I do not believe that lack of exceptional physical looks, wealth or power makes us children of a lesser God, or that we cannot make our lives magnificent and truly meaningful.

I have always believed that we are ultimately the masters of our own destiny. I believe that with divine guidance and with our own earnest efforts, we can achieve anything and any dreams!

The whole drama of the night did not rest easy in my heart. I keep on thinking of the answers to all those questions in my head until I fell asleep of exhaustion. I was tired myself, an emotional kind of tired.

Some weekend....

I just got back from a 2-day break and now I’m back and at work. The last 2 days has been a whirlwind. As expected my weekend was so much hectic.

After work last Wednesday, I felt like I was so restless. It all started when RL visited me and Mr. M at the office at EY. He stayed with us for about an hour or so. It’s really weird and funny having RL at the office. There’s just this feeling of being conscious and like I just couldn’t work properly. We like smoke together sa smoking area namin sa office with Mr. M, I served him coffee afterwards. Basta it’s a different feeling, na weird-out ako and kind of feel awkward. But it was so much fun; then we went out shopping sa faisaliah mall, grabbing the opportunity coz most of the stores are on sale. I bought this sony digital camera w/c I really like, at sony world. We grab a few at celio, guess and next boutiques. Then we had dinner at KFC before I left for work again at my other job.

Last Thursday was just a routine for me, do my laundry, watch my favorite US tv series and the cellular movie starring the hunky Chris Evans and the gorgeous Kim Basinger. Then work again. The highlight of my Thursday night was the nomo session with my effeminate friends. We started at around 12MN and finish by 5AM. Ayun ngarag na naman kami kinabukasan. At least one of us was happy. Peggy and his guy friend whom he just met a week ago are going steady and like last Thursday was the official coming out party for the both of them.

I woke up last Friday at around 1PM then had my late lunch. I actually slept at my friend chinchin’s little dungeon. I thank her for always being sooo hospitable every time I’d visit their place, as well as Anita’s. I felt so welcome when I’m with them.

Then I went home and had an hour rest.

By 5PM I was on my way again to the rest of the desparada’s place (I dunno why they call themselves desparadas..hehe). I actually invited them to accompany me sa binyag since I’m one of the ninong to cutie baby JP, the son of my kumare Abby who works at Al Hammadi and kumpare Rogelio who works at the airport. As usual entourage na naman kami, same group of friends with Rommel, Poch and Vil. Ayun sobrang saya; picturan, lafangan; sayawan. We left the venue at around 9PM at my bring-home pa…hehe!

I told you it was really some weekend.

Goodbye is not forever....

Saying goodbye to a friend whom you have known for years is hard. It is even more harder knowing and realizing that they would not be coming back and you will never know where and when at this four corners of the world you would see each other again.

Months ago, tresh, a friend of mine had to bid us goodbye. After years of uncomplicated, enjoyable, fruitful, all-the-drama, RAGI, QIL, volleyball, boys-hunting, he finally decided to go exit for good, which I think would be good for him career-wise.

I have known tresh for years; we became roommates for a while. I saw him grow, change and evolve into a fine person but always keeping his feet on the ground and an always friendly attitude. Though we parted ways and leave on a different house, our friendship still lingers on no matter what. The group has always been intact, our communication has never cut-off. This is what I like about us.

When I learned that tresh would be leaving, I was like surprise & sad but I was happy for I know that he would be better-off leaving our not-so-humane company and venture to another career in Qatar where exciting new opportunities and challenges awaits him there. Though, it would be a new job, new environment, new-friends-to-meet, tresh would never have a problem with that knowing how friendly and down-to-earth a person he truly is.

Prior to his flight, the night before, we had dinner with a few friends. That was really memorable coz some of our friends close to us was there. I had to report late at work and bribe KL with “pansit” for that.

The last time our group bond was during our QIL meeting, we would watched this coming of age MM movie while pig out carbonara cooked by our Madam PO. It was so much fun.

Personally, I am not really good at saying goodbye. Esp. to those friends who you trusted the most and that you know u can always count on them. It may sound melodramatic but that’s the truth.

Before I went to sleep I texted tresh, I told him ‘bout how I looked at our friendship during the last two years. I thanked him for all the things he has done for me during those two years.

At the airport I was even more sadder. There’s just something about airports that makes me feel sad and I started to ask, why do people have to leave? Why do they have to run away from their friends? They leave, they come back. They leave, they come back. Leave, leave, leave and would never come back again. They say people come and go, friends come and go. I guess the old saying that "all good things must come to an end" is true. Well this maybe true, but it’s always the memories with the person tops it all.

Each of us gave tresh a hug, each hug that would mean everything like goodluck, take care, enjoy life, more boys to come, be happy, someday soon we would see each other again for we are leaving in a small world etc, etc., depending on what was in everyone’s mind at that moment.

Everyone had mixed emotions as we head home.

The journey, music & me....

I was on my way to the office this morning feeling exhausted and muzzy thinking about yesterday’s load of work and the things that took place.

Having to work day and night seems to be tiring, my body wants to quit but my mind is so much willing.

Last night I slept around 12MN. Before hitting bed, I browse the net for a few minutes trying to check what’s the latest buzz on my favorite website that would be of Justin and Britney of course. This websites are like a therapy to me, they keep me entertain and for a moment there, I could only dream I am a celebrity being famous at that, minus the chasing paparazzi. When I feel like I was content with what I was reading, I turned my pc off and I lie down trying to find my sleep, the moment my back hit my bed I felt drowsy, the next thing I know my alarm was ringing so loud trying to wake me up, its already 7AM.

I had to be up, prepare and get ready. I didn’t really care if I was going to be late for work (ok, I do care, just a little) and had to deal with the traffic. All I know is that I have all the time in the world to do my thing, like any usual mornings I have but sometimes unusual if I’d wake up at the wrong side of my bed.

All set as I could be, I was on the street corner a few blocks away from Riyadh zoo while waiting for a taxi to drive me to work. After a couple of minutes of waiting a Pakistani driver was blowing his horn trying to catch my attention. And so I let myself in. When I was inside the taxi, what struck me most was the music that has been playing all throughout our journey. The sounds seem so loud and this Arabic singer keeps singing at the top of her lungs with an irky irritating voice. But little did I know halfway to our journey in the middle of a traffic jam I was humming the tune in a capellish (if that’s a word) tone and my feet was like dancing to it. I couldn’t believe I was liking what I hear as the music continuously playing. It prevented me from drowsing off keeping me mentally alert, which is a good thing.

These all boils down to the kind of music I listen, ranging from pop to rnb, to power ballads, pop- rock, to hiphop, to acoustic and the latest Arabic (I thought of borrowing cd’s from my friend marco, he has huge collection ) and how music plays a vital role in our daily life, whether we realize it or not. Music, being an expression of sentiments and feelings.

When we are inlove, we listen to music about love. It’s like our way of communicating to the one’s we love. When we are mad or stress or bored or when you feel that your day is flagging, we listen to music. Overall, the music we listen to affects our feelings, mood, and even our attitude and efficiency.

Moving on, a few meters away to my destination, I thanked the Pakistani driver for introducing me to Arabic music which I eventually learned to liked, never mind about the tiny winy voice of the singer, never mind if I couldn’t understand what the song is about.

With that, I gave him an extra fee of SR5 to show my appreciation, as we reach Al Faisaliah Tower as I bid him goodbye.

Systems alert; computer will self-destruct in 5 secs...

grrrrrrrrrr....
my personal it support..hehe

A few days ago I felt so left-out when my computer started to malfunction and eventually crash-down. It’s like everytime I open a particular application like YM, it gives a message saying that the application has encounter an error, the same prob when I open IE. Not just that, it’s like the error message pops up all the time and what’s more disappointing was that the machine shuts itself down.

It was like double the trouble, a total disaster. I couldn’t really figure out what was the problem with the system. But what I remember was that I have gone through the same problem with my pc before but not as complicated as this one right now.

I couldn’t help but feel left out, as if the world was so out of reach. 2 days of no access to the internet was a headache. U don’t know what’s going on with the world. U won’t be able to update yourself, missing your favorite website that has become a part of your daily routine.

Then you feel the importance of internet in today’s society. I could never imagine life without the worldwide web this time. I just can’t live without it. Gosshh, me being an internet freak. I can spend like hours online. I can e-mail, do some research, chat with my bro back home in PI & my sis in the UK, meet friends and sometimes shop online and like ride with my friends credit card. I do all this stuff in just one sitting. The internet has so much to offer, really.

But I can still remember how we used to do things before the internet came along, i.e, handwritten letters via snail mail with all those colorful stamps of your choice. It is so different now compared to yesteryears. Nowadays, all these stuff can be done at home.

So much for that, then came my knight in shining armor, Archie. He is like my personal IT Support, my friend, my chat mate, my love counselor, my office mate and a lot more. Whether it’s hardware or software, archie is the man for that. He is much more affluent with knowledge of computers more than I am. Archie has always been “to the rescue” everytime I have trouble with my computer, well not just me but quite a few of my colleagues, actually. He’s like a doctor who’s always “on call” (I could only imagine what would be his reaction the moment he reads this..hehe).

After a tumultuous, oh-so-chaotic, overhauling and loads of patience fixing my computer (he almost sprinkled my CPU with hot coffee, actually..hahahaha) and after a few trial and errors, he finally catch the thieves and fix it. I won’t go into details anymore, but the problem was in the hardware, only Archie could understand. Now, everything has been running smoothly and like I WB myself to the WWW.

I should have taken care of my computer that much and do some upgrade, but it’s never too late. Thanks to Archie and his undeniable know-how in computers.

To end, I’d like to quote my friend Rommel at his speech during the Area Toastmasters Humurous Speech Contest a few months ago which goes; “In the absence of this device one will be deprived of many things in the cyber world, first and foremost the use of internet which is considered as the information superhighway”.

A weekend to remember....

w/ charmed one
w/ friends

The last few days have been crazzzy. There’s so much going on. Like for real. Talk about my weekend. It’s work work work and fun fun fun (yeah, I need my time off sometimes, hehe). Xempre, napapagod din naman ako.

What I have posted last Wednesday in anticipation with my 2-day break? Guess what? I have done almost all of it, except for the movie marathon part. I failed to watch transformer since I still have to copy it from QJ and I went home late last Wednesday, and I don’t wanna bother QJ with that.

The best part about my weekend (Thursday) although I was soooo tired with work at my other job was meeting up with charmed one who’s coming from khobar to visit his friends here in Riyadh. It was actually planned like a month ago. Obviously charmed one has been very excited to see all of his friends again. The sad part was that i had to come late again. Since I had to work and unexpectedly I left at work almost 12MN. I was scared to go alone so I had to convince some friends to accompany me. I have tried convincing Mike, Matt, Rommel but they all said no. Well, valid din naman mga reasons nila. And by this time charmed one had been calling me like every single minute (exxage lang..hehe) kung nasaan na ako. So I had to convince other friends to go with me. I have used yet again my convincing power, after some spirit-boosting talked with all of them.

We headed to the place with much anticipation and I wasn’t disappointed at all. We arrived at the party very late, like 1AM. A lot of the guests had gone home already except for some very close friends of charmed one and the very hospitable house owners Rob and Den. I was so delighted by their warmed welcome, and the house where they live? It’s amazing! The Picasso painting was awesome! And the gigantic dragon-like frame on the wall is to die for, not to mention the adorable pets they owned.

Anyway, none of us felt OP or something. In fact, naging maxado kaming feel at home and the food was great, honest!

It has been my first my time to bond with charmed one like that. We meet at parties long before, but last Thursday was different. It was like blogging has something to do with our friendship. We have talked about a lot of things from serious or not-so-serious topic. We laughed liked there’s no more tomorrow, kahit mejo inaantok na kaming lahat. Sobrang aliw talaga!

The get together concluded at around 5AM as we decided to head home. Pasikat na ang araw.

The party made me realized that it is always important to find a place to run to everytime we have important events going on in our lives. We always seek refuge somewhere and I guess I have found refuge in my friends. I realized that there’s more to life than just work and work.

Although it was weird seeing old friends again and like talk about the good old times but still I couldn’t be any happier having to spend my Thursday with them, esp to my dearest friend charmed one.

To charmed one, rob, den, mel, arman thank you all so much! To ice, chin, nitz, allen, & peggy thank you too for the company.

Hope we could do that again sometime soon when charmed one will be around again!

Anticipating my weekend...

Today is wednesday, the first day of the month of August my birth month.

There are a lot of things i would like to anticipate and would most probably do. It's like there's so much i have to do. But i know it's gonna be all cool.

Anyway, here's my to do lists from today and the rest of the weekend to follow, for your bird's eye view;

In random order:

Wednesday
1) Work work work at my other job.
- i know it's gonna be toxic tonight. First week of the month means sticking my butt for long hours, 4 hrs. tops

2) Movies & Series marathon that includes;
- one episode of one tree hill (fourth season), one episode of Grey's Anatomy (first season), one episode of Rome (second season) ; Piolo & Regine movie ( i know it sounds baduy but what the heck; Transformer the movie w/c stars the hunky josh duhamel ( i think i'm the last person to watch this movie since everyone where i live have seen it already)

Thursday
3) It's laundry day
- i have to wash my clothes that i have used for a week, i have done this for like forever since the first day i came here in riyadh and i sooo hate this part of the weekend)

4) Practice my culinary skills
- i have volunteered to cook for our lunch. i already have in mind what to cook. Promise, its gonna be sumptuous..hehe

5) pls refer to task no. 1

6) Meet up with CHARMED ONE
- by the time i posted this he might be here already. there's gonna be a swimming party & some surprises prepared for him by some close friends. i know this is gonna be fun! i have not seen charmed one for like months already and i'm so looking forward to the party. Good luck to us!!!

Friday
7) Plancha day
- and i so hate this part too..kidding!

8) pls refer to task no. 1 again

So that's about it.

This is sort of like a reminder for me, so i won't miss anything.

Don't worry, i'm doing my best to keep balance things up.

Hayyyyyy weekends..weekends!

Lesson learned...

NOTE:
You might be wondering about the date of this post. It was actually my old post at friendster and I just wanted to share and remind myself just about what happened to me last april 24. It was definitely a lesson learned.


Today is Tuesday the 24th of April 2007 and it was like an ordinary day for me.

I had sandwich for breakfast at Max’s cafeteria at the basement 1 of Al Faisaliah tower with Mr. M, like any regular day. Mr. A was not with us for some reason.

We had a little chat, sharing ideas, and sometimes gossip about just anything, from interesting to not-so-interesting topic we could ever think of, as I was trying to enjoy & finish my sandwich. After that, we would walk ourselves to the elevator and proceed to L6 of AFT, quarter before 8. Just in time for our regular working hours of 8am to 6pm.

At the office, like any normal day, I had to do my daily task entrusted to me, the regular updates on tax filings for one, April being tax filing month, chasing accountants, managers and partners. It wasn’t really hard at all, but doing the same thing everyday gets into my nerves and it bores me too sometimes. But do I ever have a choice? I guess, no!!! What we could ever do is complain about our job. But the truth is, we are afraid of losing our jobs.

Half-past twelve, Mr. A and I had our lunch (catered by our official caterer MJ) at the service room of EY, 30 min. earlier from our official break of 1PM. This time Mr. M wasn’t with us for some reason. (Don’t worry; I’ll get use to the situation in time, but for a moment I wish I could be in two places at once)

I don’t remember following the 1 o’clock break eversince I started working with EY. although sometimes we would eat our lunch at the food court of AFT mall or at KFC, if we have the means.

It was supposed to be a normal day for me, but I was totally wrong. It all started when I got a txt message from Mr. M telling me that we should complete our daily attendance sheet that we have miss filling out everyday as instructed to him by Mr. EY. As soon as I got the message I went directly to the reception area of EY where the attendance sheet was with and started filling out the dates that I have missed. And this small meeting room just beside the reception area was closed with a tag hanging at the door “meeting in progress”, guess what? I don’t know what’s gotten into me that I unconsciously open the door realizing that there was somebody inside. Suddenly, this big boss went out of the room and like shouted at me, right into my blushing face telling me this and that. I could still remember his lines vividly “can’t u read what’s written in there, don’t you ever open this door ever again if you see this (pointing at the tag outside of the door)” he was like saying it to me over and over again, i countered him and quick to say I’m sorry 3 many times, as he went back inside.

I guess I just wasn’t able to control my reflexes that’s why I did that. I was a little embarrassed by the situation although quite a few people was there to witness, trying to compose myself right back.

What lesson I have learned today was to never open any door especially if you do not know whose inside. I mean any door…hahahaha!!! You may not know what’s going on behind that door.

Definitely, today was no ordinary day for me!