Awake like forever (4 in the morning)

Regret comes in all shapes and sizes. Some are small , like when we do a bad thing, for a good reason. Some are bigger, like when we let down a friend. Some of us escape the pains of regret by making the right choice. Some of us have little time for regret, because we're looking forward to the future. Sometimes we have to fight to come to terms with the past. And sometimes we bury our regret, by promising to change our ways. But our biggest regrets are not for the things we did... but the things we didn't do. The things we didn't say that could save someone we care about. Especially when we can see the dark storm that's headed our way.

Last night I have reminded of how difficult it was to go thru life. To be given the privilege to celebrate and take care of my-so-called-life; making the right choices and if the choices I make matter and that it can change my life. For better..or worse.

Last night was the longest night of my life ever. I never would have thought I’d still be up like that, esp. on a weekday. I was in front of our kitchen window at 4AM, my favorite place to be alone esp late at dawn, puffing a cigarette on one hand. Listening to my favorite lovesongs and crying out loud.

There has been a lot of things going on in my mind, things that keeps on flashing right thru and I just couldn’t decipher and decode it all.

One reason, it was because I learned something about my other job, which could make or break me. It felt like it was a test to me and I failed. It felt like sometimes it seems like I was the only one in the world who’s struggling, who’s frustrated or unsatisfied, or barely getting by, despite the hardwork and faith I have put thru with my job and the people I work with.

And questions so many questions keeps lurking into my head like; if I could go back and just change one thing about my life, would i? and if I did, would that change make my life better? Or would that change ultimately break my heart? Or break the heart of another? Would I choose an entirely different path? Or would I change just one thing? Just one moment. One moment that I’ve always wanted back. Of course, when face with the unknown, most of us prefer to turn around and go back.

You know it's been said that we just don't recognize the significant moments of our lives while they are happening. We grow complacent with ideas, or things or people and we take them for granted and it's usually not until that thing is about to be taken away from you that you've realized how wrong you've been that you realized how much you need it, how much you love it. But that’s not me. I say no regrets, no regrets. Like my friend Anita used to tell me in one of our serious conversations. That life must go on. My other job is gone, but that doesn’t mean that I’m over. As a matter of fact, I say it’s just the beginning.

Life’s funny sometimes. It can push you pretty hard.

I believe it is never too late to pause, reflect and to take back control of my life right now. It is never too late to reassess my priorities and values, and to change them if necessary. I believe I should be grateful for what has happened to me right now and, in spite of any crises, I should learn to count my blessings, to make my life better.

It is okay to dream and to dream big, but we shouldn’t fret, envy others or complain. I do not believe we are victims of fate or circumstances beyond our control, or that we can blame God, our kin or others for our past, present or our future. I do not believe that lack of exceptional physical looks, wealth or power makes us children of a lesser God, or that we cannot make our lives magnificent and truly meaningful.

I have always believed that we are ultimately the masters of our own destiny. I believe that with divine guidance and with our own earnest efforts, we can achieve anything and any dreams!

The whole drama of the night did not rest easy in my heart. I keep on thinking of the answers to all those questions in my head until I fell asleep of exhaustion. I was tired myself, an emotional kind of tired.